Just a Touch of Kleptomania
by Quatermass
Summary: (Dumbledore Bashing! Lunar Harmony!) Based on, but not an answer to DZ2's "What's Yours is Mine" challenge. The Shadow-Walkers, magical thieves of extraordinary power, have long been thought extinct. But Harry, Hermione and Luna not only have those powers, but intend to use them to take everyone from Dumbledore to Voldemort to the cleaners...and make a little profit along the way.
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Firstly, let me reiterate my warning from _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_ : I don't normally do challenges and the like. However, there are exceptions to the rule, exceptions which I take up entirely on my own terms (so let that be a warning to anyone who thinks they can send me challenges: I DON'T ACCEPT THEM NORMALLY! DO NOT DO IT OR I **WILL** BITE YOUR HEAD OFF!).

With that annoying preamble out of the way, let's get on with this. Like _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_ , this is based on, but is not a full answering of, one of DZ2's challenges. This one is the _What's Yours is Mine_ challenge, where Harry becomes a thief. The reason why it's not a full response is that I want some Lunar Harmony.

Anyway, some disclaimers before we get to the story. Firstly, there will be spoilers for the Harry Potter series. You have been warned.

Secondly, there _will_ be annotations. If you feel the urge to complain, then resist it, or better yet, strangle it.

Thirdly, this is an M-rated work. There will be language, violence, and sexual references. Again, you have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling and other owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, you'll be chucked through the Veil…


	2. Chapter 1: A Triptych of Thieves

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **A TRIPTYCH OF THIEVES**

The residents of the rather dreary suburban street of Privet Drive in Little Whinging, Surrey enjoyed gossip and rumour, the more salacious and malicious the better. Given the rather monotonous appearance of their street, this was probably to relieve the ennui of their existence. Still, the rumours around 4 Privet Drive were amongst the most scandalous, even if many in didn't quite believe some of those rumours.

These rumours revolved around the black sheep of the Dursleys family, the nephew of Petunia, one Harry Potter. Petunia spread those rumours herself, aided and abetted by her husband and her son. The rumours and gossip stated that the boy was a criminal delinquent, taking after his parents in that regard, and went to St Brutus', a school that, in another time, would have been called a borstal.

Now, many didn't quite believe it, if only because, despite the praises being sung of Dudley Dursley, he was a fairly well-known local bully. True, Privet Drive was generally populated by a bunch of upwardly mobile snobs who looked down on Harry's scruffy clothes (because the Dursleys never deigned to buy him anything new), and there were mysterious thefts that happened on Privet Drive over the past few years. But most residents of Privet Drive also merely thought that Petunia Dursley was a dried-up cow who had pretensions to affluence when in reality, she was full of effluence, along with her husband. Most residents of Privet Drive held the Dursleys in mildly amused contempt. But then again, many of them held each other in such bored disdain.

The rumours were mostly wrong. Harry Potter's parents were not drunken dole-bludgers, but rather heroes of a hidden part of society, who had died saving him. He didn't go to St Brutus', but to Hogwarts, a school in a Scottish castle that catered to young wizards and witches of Britain. And in general, Harry was a decent enough young man, certainly far more so than the rest of his family.

But there was one thing they had gotten right. Harry was indeed a criminal, and had been from an early age. Since before he learned of his right to attend Hogwarts, he knew he had magic. And he used it to get his own way. With his birthright stolen from him, he began stealing it back, with interest…

* * *

The bedroom was luxurious, lined with artworks and valuables of many kinds, along with bookshelves of magnificently dark wood filled with books of all kinds, magical and mundane. It would not look out of place in the opulence of Versailles, Buckingham Palace, or any of the great palaces all over the world. It was actually the interior of a luxury wizarding trunk, with the occupant no longer sleeping in the room he was nominally meant to.

In a bed fit for any monarch lay a teenager, completely naked under the sheets. His figure, while no musclebound mass, was nonetheless something many a woman would find desirable. His messy hair framed features that were handsome, his emerald eyes currently closed in repose. A fading scar snaked out of his fringe, like a lightning bolt.

There were many clocks on the wall, but one in particular began tolling out the time, twelve strokes. Afterwards, a strange, warped noise seemed to fill the air. The paintings, most of which showed sun-drenched rural landscapes, suddenly shifted into darker landscapes, no less beautiful, but certainly eerie nightscapes. The shadows in the room lengthened. The air seemed to become thicker, and the young man woke up.

"Is it that time already?" he murmured to himself. He looked at his watch, a series of numbers appearing in mid-air, confusing to anyone not used to such a device. He laughed softly. "Happy birthday to me," he said quietly, more to hear the sound of his own voice than anything else. He quickly started donning a figure-hugging bodysuit of Basilisk hide. "They think I'm fifteen out there, and not the seventeen I am now. Thank Merlin for the Shadow Gift of Body. At least Hermione and Luna can bluff it out, call themselves early bloomers. Whereas the old goat might get suspicious if I grow too quickly. Can't have the weapon getting too strong."

The shadows in the room seemed to ripple and warp, before disgorging a pair of teenaged girls wearing Basilisk-hide suits. They weren't wearing the masks: they didn't need to. The dark-coloured suits clung to their figures in distracting ways. But that was okay: they were his girlfriends.

One had bushy brown hair and a demeanour that was usually somewhat strident and bossy. Now, instead, she was confident and collected. Considering that she was the junior member of this group in terms of membership time, that was saying something.

The other had a more ethereal air, with blonde hair and protuberant eyes. She all but skipped into the room. She had a rather strange smile that on some might be considered vapid. On her, it looked vaguely unnerving, as if she knew a joke that you were the butt of.

"Happy birthday, Harry," the two girls chorused, with the bushy-haired one looking askance at the blonde one briefly.

"Thanks, both of you," Harry Potter said. "So, what have you two got in store for me?"

"It's a surprise," the blonde girl cooed. "Anyway, it's my birthday too, at least when you count time in the Shadow Demesne. I'm now 16, and you're both 17. So, I let Hermione think of the destination as a surprise."

The bushy-haired girl nodded. "I think we'll all like it. I don't know whether it'll have much…but it's the principle of the thing. And afterwards…well…" She blushed slightly. "We'll be doing what we've been waiting for."

Harry grinned in anticipation. He then clasped the hands of his girlfriends, and soon-to-be-lovers, in his own. Luna Lovegood. Hermione Granger. And Harry Potter. Partners in crime. "Well then…shall we?"

* * *

Luna clapped her hands together as they emerged from the shadows at their destination. "Oh, Hermione, you take us to all the best places!" she cooed.

Harry grimaced. "It's a dump. What is this place?" he asked, looking around the rather grim neighbourhood of a semi-abandoned of a northern mill town. The night seemed to be picked out in shades of grey, like the monochrome of a black and white film.

"Spinner's End in Cokeworth," Hermione said. "Your mother was born here. Remember what I told you about how she met Snape? How I stole his memories?"

"With your Gift of Mind, yes," Harry said. "You didn't tell me where, that's all." He blinked when he realised it, and a large smile split his features. "Oh…are we near Snape's house?"

"Of course. We're right near the door," Hermione said, indicating one brick house. "He's out tonight, on Voldemort's orders. I took that from him."

"Where you were staying? You haven't told me that yet," Harry said. "I was a bit annoyed at the lack of response from you, actually."

"That's because I didn't want Dumbledore or Snape to get any clue to what I was doing," Hermione said. "We'll talk inside." With that, she slipped through the door, like a ghost, Harry and Luna following suit.

While rather dingy, Harry and his girlfriends whistled appreciatively at the various bookshelves lining the wall, with a lot of books. "These are wasted on him," Hermione said with a scowl. "I guess I know what that prick spends his money on. Books and potions ingredients."

"Would it kill him to buy shampoo?" Harry asked.

"The Oleaginous Skullworms growing from his scalp would die, and poison his brain until he was left a vegetable," Luna said.

"…If that was true, no big loss," Harry said darkly. "Do you think he has a potions lab we can raid? I think we'll need more of the ingredients for you know what."

"It's probably in the basement," Hermione said. "Anyway, let's start packing. I'll tell you as we go."

Harry, Luna and Hermione began pulling books from the shelves, and throwing them carelessly (at least Harry and Luna did) into the air, dark portals swallowing them. "I can't say where we're based," Hermione said. "It's under the Fidelius. But the old wether told us not to contact you, claiming we needed to give you space, to allow you to mourn Cedric. Given what I know, that's bollocks."

Harry nodded, turning around briefly to gaze at his girlfriend's derrieres, clad in Basilisk hide, and think to himself, _I'm a very lucky guy_. "Okay. So you didn't contact me to keep up appearances?"

"Partly, and also because I wanted to learn as much as I could before I told you. In any case, what we didn't tell you would have pissed you off anyway. Fudge's started a smear campaign against you. Apparently he's afraid of Dumbledore usurping him, but Dumbledore doesn't need to be Minister to get his way. Anyway, Dumbledore's going senile, and you're an attention-seeking deluded teenager, according to _The Daily Prophet_."

"Well, they got the teenager part right," Luna sniffed, turning around briefly to stare at her boyfriend's Basilisk hide-clad rear in appreciation. "For the _Prophet_ , that is unprecedented levels of accuracy. Though they got the age wrong, through no fault of their own, for once. Incidentally, I don't think we can risk selling much of this stuff to Borgin. Snape's a customer of his, he might recognise it."

"We agreed on that anyway. Don't sell the Death Eater stuff to Borgin unless we're sure he won't recognise it," Harry said. "I'm not happy you didn't tell me as soon as you could via Shadow-Walk, Hermione, but at least you're telling me now. Anything else?"

"Only that an upcoming raid will have to be on the Department of Mysteries. I swiped Dumbledore's memory that he reckons Voldemort is after the prophecy. We'll have to destroy it, make it seem like a Death Eater tried to pinch it."

"Is that before or after the Gringotts raid?"

"After. We need to cripple anyone who is funding Voldemort," Hermione said. "Therefore, we go on a raid of the vault of every Death Eater we can list. We'll also have to make sure we're on the lookout for any soul fragments like the one you pulled out of Harry, Luna, or the one we found in the Diadem."

* * *

A few minutes later, they had emptied the shelf of books, and set off to explore the rest of the house, which still seemed strangely monochromatic. Then again, that was the default look of the Shadow Demesne, the realm through which they travelled, and through which they seemed to be the only things with motion or colour.

The Shadow Demesne, a realm somewhere in the interstices of time. Where walls and doors could be passed through at will, to those with the ability to be Shadow-Walkers. Thieves of myth, thought long-since extinct. Only a few obscure tomes mentioned their existence in the Restricted Section of the Hogwarts library.

All Shadow-Walkers had the ability to enter the Shadow Demesne, where time stood still…or could be allowed to flow normally while the Shadow-Walkers watched from the shadows. The perfect spies and thieves…which was why a pogrom was launched against them centuries ago, in part helped by the Goblins of Gringotts, who feared the Shadow-Walkers' ability to bypass any ward they could set up to rob their vaults.

The only reason why Harry, and by extension, Hermione, knew any of this was that Luna's mother was the last of the surviving Shadow-Walker line. Harry and Hermione had gotten it through a few relations of Shadow-Walker lines in their ancestry, and the genes just reactivated in them.

Each Shadow-Walker had a unique ability, a Shadow Gift. Harry had the Gift of Body, a sort of super-Metamorphagus ability that allowed him to imitate virtually anyone he saw. Hermione had the Gift of Mind, allowing her to take secrets from someone's head, even those protected by Occlumency, or even implant false memories, making Memory Charms and Legilimency look tame by comparison. Not to mention enhancing her already near-eidetic memory to ridiculous levels, and she could get information she wanted from books or computers just by willing it. And Luna had the Gift of Soul, allowing her to move souls, making her handy for dealing with soul fragments, or for interrogating the dead for information.

When they finally teamed up, it meant they were a quite well-suited group…but that's a story for another time.

Harry searched through Snape's bedroom, not caring about the wards. He did find a photo album filled with pictures of his mother, which he was tempted to steal…until he noticed, to his disgust, that much of the last quarter or so of pages included rather creepy photos of his mother naked or undressing, presumably taken covertly. He tore out those pages to burn, and decided to keep the album anyway. A diary was soon taken, as was a safe.

* * *

Harry and Luna soon joined Hermione in the basement, and found her in a potions lab, albeit one she had mostly cleared out. "Now, before Snape left, I implanted a memory that he had left a certain potion in a stasis charm," she said as she mixed up a potion in a cauldron. "Said potion is highly volatile and, if it becomes unstable…"

"It goes 'kablooey'?" Luna asked hopefully.

"More 'fwoosh', actually," Hermione said. "It's the base for Dumbledore's special Lemon Sherbets, which are laced with Calming Draughts, Liquid Luck keyed only to Dumbledore himself, and it helps soothes his piles. But when being cooked, it's so unstable, it's like Fiendfyre waiting to happen. Contained Fiendfyre, enough to destroy this house and melt down the bricks, without affecting anyone else. But still dangerous."

"So, you're leaving it unstable while we're still in the Shadow Demesne?" Harry asked.

"Yes. It'll explode five to ten minutes after we leave…well, in normal time. We're going to be staying in the Shadow Demesne for a couple of days our time, aren't we?"

"Well, yes," Luna said. "Depends on many things, like how long the cake lasts, how long it takes Harry to unwrap his presents, how long his stamina lasts…"

"I have potions ready for that," Hermione said. "Fatigue potions, stamina potions, contraceptive potions…just about everything it's safe to take together. Sirius is jealous, Harry. He complained to me that he'd never got a threesome, and yet, your first time will be one."

Harry snorted. "Let him be jealous. At least it's an achievement I managed on my own, instead of this Boy Who Lived shit. By the way, has he heard anything from Madam Bones about the memories we sent?"

"Yes. Sadly, public sentiment is such that, the moment he sets foot in the Ministry, Fudge will set the Dementors on him, evidence or not. We need Pettigrew for Bones to even have a chance of ordering a retrial. And while we can move through the shadows instantly to any place we can remember…or in my case, that someone else does…we still need to find Pettigrew first. Snape hasn't seen him yet."

"Bugger," Harry muttered.

Hermione finished mixing up the potion, and nodded. "Okay, done. Let's go home."

Harry dropped the pages of photos near the cauldron, ready to be annihilated. With that, the three disappeared into the shadows once more.

* * *

Approximately 4 minutes later (Hermione would later kick herself for her mistake), in real time, Professor Severus Snape's house erupted in a pillar of flame. Nothing on the inside of the house would survive, though thankfully, the only damage done to nearby houses were a few broken windows. Of course, before even a fraction of a second of those four minutes was up, Harry, Hermione and Luna had a birthday party, a fun time in bed, read some of the books they had just stolen, sorted their loot into varying categories, and then had some more fun time, before drifting off to sleep, with even sleep not turning off their power.

Such were the life and times of those who could live in the shadows between the tick and the tock…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Now, before you ask, the Shadow Demesne was not inspired by the Shadow Realm from** ** _Yu-Gi-Oh!_** **(which some of my readers will feel, given the heavy thievery themes, would be a wasted opportunity, but I wanted to do things my way). Instead, it was heavily inspired by the Spectral Realm from the** ** _Legacy of Kain_** **games, particularly the** ** _Soul Reaver_** **games and** ** _Defiance_** **. For those unfamiliar with those games, the character of Raziel has the ability to shift between physical and spectral realms (each with their own different physical properties) in order to bypass certain areas. Time stands still in the Spectral Realm in the game, at least as far as the physical world is concerned, and I thought, why not have that as an ability of a thief Harry? I even think of the same, eerie sound effect used for shifting between realms in the latter two games, as well as for shifting through barred gates, for whenever Harry and company shift into and out of the Shadow Demesne.**

 **I was also partly inspired by the powers Death has in the Discworld series, powers his son-in-law Mort and his granddaughter Susan share. They can also exist in the spaces between the ticks of the clock.**

 **We'll look into their history and their abilities in more detail in the next chapter.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	3. Chapter 2: A History of Kleptomania

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **A HISTORY OF KLEPTOMANIA**

On a bed, in a room isolated from normal time and space, a small island adrift in the interstices of time, a trio of figures slumbered, naked, entangled with each other. They slept soundly, not plagued by nightmares of past, present and future. The events of the previous few days in the otherwise timeless nature of the Shadow Demesne had merely been the capstone to a relationship already years in the making.

All had grown up in varying degrees of isolation. Harry Potter had been isolated by his relatives. Hermione Granger was isolated by her intelligence and precocious nature. Luna Lovegood was isolated by her more fantasist leanings.

It was Hermione who discovered her abilities first, though she was yet to awaken them fully. She could read books even as she touched the pages, though she never really noticed that she never fully read with her eyes. She just thought she was speed-reading. And the Shadow Demesne scared her when she originally tried it, so she never used it again, marking the monochromatic landscape as a bad dream. She would only later learn that her Gift of Mind could take memories, either copies…or else stealing the memories proper, as well as inserting new ones.

Harry discovered his own not long thereafter. After being locked in his cupboard for what felt like the nth time, he wished to be out more than anything else. And soon, he realised he could, being able to slip through shadows, as if they were doors to other places. He soon discovered the properties of this world, how he could use the shadows to go places where he had been, or to even move more quickly between places he hadn't been. He found time froze in that mysterious monochrome world, save for what he picked up. He could even make time start up again, and as long as he was in the shadows, he was completely hidden.

He soon learned to use that to his advantage. Stealing food from the Dursleys' fridge was a bad idea: if one thing was out of place in their reckoning, Harry was swiftly punished. But he went to the neighbours and started eating their food. Not glutting himself, obviously. Just pieces here and there.

As Douglas Adams observed, civilisation goes through three stages, stages that can apply to the state of someone discovering a new ability: Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, or the How, Why, and Where stages. Adams used it to denote food (How can we eat? Why do we eat? Where shall we have lunch?). Harry used it for his abilities. How can I do this? Why can I do this? Where shall I steal from next?

Thankfully, Shadow-Walkers could open up dimensional pockets with their powers that they could put what they stole into, and by the time Harry got his Hogwarts letter, he had stolen enough from the Dursleys, along with the residents of Little Whinging, to fill a house. But when he learned of his parents, of his fame in Magical Britain…and the fact that they had left him to suffer at the Dursleys, well, he was mildly annoyed, to say the least. Oh, he felt vindicated that the Dursleys were full of shit, and Hagrid was nice, but Harry soon learned that Magical Britain wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.

He made further sojourns into Diagon Alley by himself after Hagrid took him there. Having not managed to find a fence yet in the mundane world, he soon found a willing fence in Borgin of Borgin and Burke's down in Knockturn. Borgin actually bought Muggle paraphernalia such as VCRs and the like, as there was a small black market for those who liked to tinker with such things, for purposes ranging from mere curiosity (like Arthur Weasley, who had actually bought a Walkman Harry had fenced in Knockturn, though not at Borgin and Burke's) to Muggle-baiting (Harry was annoyed to learn that Lucius Malfoy had enchanted a statuette to turn into a homicidal creature that he sent to the Creeveys as a gift, one that was thankfully intercepted by the Aurors). He also took the opportunity to rob some of the stores there, mostly for information on Magical Britain one was unlikely to get from the books at Flourish and Blotts.

It was during one of those sojourns that he encountered Luna Lovegood for the first time. While he was in the Shadow Demesne, she had popped up out of the shadows herself, the first person he had seen moving while he was in it. He was understandably startled, and it took some doing by Luna to convince him that she was not going to give him up.

Although it would be another year before Luna went to Hogwarts, the two still became fast friends, and indeed, once Luna took Harry to her home at the Rookery, Harry visited when he could. Luna was his first friend (Hagrid, for all his friendliness, wouldn't become Harry's friend properly until Hogwarts). And Xenophilus Lovegood was the father he never had.

Through them, he learned the truth about his abilities, both normal magic, and Shadow-Walking. Through them, he learned some disturbing stories about the man considered the Leader of the Light, Albus Dumbledore. Through Luna, she removed the soul fragment in his scar. Although he stayed at the Dursleys as a matter of course, on Luna's advice, he had brought a luxury trunk, one that was practically a TARDIS-sized mansion on the inside. He now used that to store his loot, and sleep in. Another thing he bought on Luna's advice was a wizard's watch, one that could tell the time, as well as the full biological age of the person wearing it, useful, given how time stopped outside of the Shadow Demesne when he was in it. Although just over eleven by normal reckoning, his body was already six months older.

The first year of Hogwarts was both entertaining and annoying. He'd made a few friends, a few enemies, and had managed to steal the Philosopher's Stone. He had to claim to Dumbledore that it had been destroyed by accidental magic, which he had bought. He got his father's Invisibility Cloak back, but Shadow-Walking tended to be better. He used the two in conjunction.

The second year was also entertaining and annoying, what with Lockhart being useless, a Basilisk petrifying students, a House Elf trying to injure him, and an evil diary that turned out to have the soul of Voldemort. Upon finding it in a toilet, and interrogating it, he found something laughable about Hagrid being the one to open the Chamber of Secrets, and his suspicions fell on Tom Riddle. On a hunch, he investigated the toilet that the diary had been discarded in, only to Shadow-Walk right into the Chamber of Secrets itself. There, he encountered the infamous monster of Slytherin, a Basilisk named Medusa. Which was kind of fitting: contrary to the most famous legend of the Chamber of Secrets, Slytherin had left the Basilisk behind as a guardian of Hogwarts against Muggles, rather than as a weapon against Muggleborns, and the name Medusa meant guardian.

Tom Riddle had taken him into the diary once more, and tried to take Harry over. However, Harry used his ability to Shadow-Walk to escape the diary, though not before learning that Tom Marvolo Riddle was the birth name of Voldemort, and that Lucius Malfoy was the one who gave the diary, to Ginny Weasley. He had given the diary to Medusa to bite, and the Basilisk, wanting to be free of a master that did not embody the true traits of Slytherin, bit it.

Harry had to use his Shadow-Walk to get some livestock for the Basilisk to feed on (and getting cows and sheep to go through a dark portal in space was hard anyway), but he now had a loyal guardian. As it was, though inclined to be violent in her utterances, Medusa's main problem was boredom, and had missed the company of her first master, Salazar Slytherin. Having intelligent conversation was something she desired, and whenever he was at Hogwarts from then on, Harry made it a point to visit her as often, with his visits making her less violent in language and intent. The Basilisk was flattered to be allowed to guard some valuable treasures. She thought it made her like a dragon, and thought some of the gold and jewellery actually livened up the place. Her shed skin was also used to create Harry, Luna and Hermione's thieving uniforms, once they became a unit.

The rest of the second year wasn't really that eventful, though he and Luna had meetings in the Shadow Demesne. They decided together to rob Lucius Malfoy blind for what he did, or at least stole some of his more valuable items. And thanks to Luna's Gift of Soul, they were able to transfer Dobby's ownership to Harry, to which the House Elf was utterly overjoyed. The only truly eventful part of the year came when Hermione realised that Lockhart was a fraud, and tried to confront him. He had tried to Obliviate Hermione, only for Hermione to dodge the charm, and use her Gift of Mind to take all of Lockhart's memories, nearly leaving him a drooling vegetable. They didn't learn this until Hermione admitted it next year, as it was covered up as Lockhart accidentally Obliviating himself. Hermione had started using Shadow-Walking to get to classes as well.

Aside from the so-called Golden Trio, Harry had made other friends. Admittedly, most of them were in Gryffindor, like Neville and Ginny, not to mention the Twins, but he had Luna in Ravenclaw, Daphne Greengrass and Blaise Zabini in Slytherin, and Susan Bones in Hufflepuff. Admittedly, of those friends, only Luna and the Twins knew of his abilities (the Twins were envious of his abilities, but as he was agreeable to pranking Slytherins while stealing from the more obnoxious ones, they were willing to stay schtum about it), and the two Slytherins were potential targets on his theft list if they pissed him off. Hermione wouldn't learn about his abilities, and her own, until their third year.

Ah yes, third year. The year the Dementors came to Hogwarts. Harry had learned what the adults were keeping from him by using Shadow-Walking, and listening while concealed from the shadows. He learned of Sirius Black being his godfather, and the so-called betrayer of the Potters, very early on. But while pissed, he also tried to research what had happened, and began to wonder about a few things.

He also encountered Hermione in the Shadow Demesne for the first time. She had used her Time Turner, but had not gone far enough back in time to get to class on time, and she bumped into him while using the Shadow Demesne to get to Muggle Studies. She had been shocked to find him in the same place as she was, and eventually, the two got to talking about it. Harry, Luna, and Hermione began talking about their abilities. Hermione had been a little shocked to hear that Harry was something of a thief, though this was ameliorated a little by his confession of his home life. And when she learned he was planning to take the Death Eaters to the cleaners, she was a bit more ameliorated.

Unfortunately, they didn't learn the truth about Pettigrew until it was too late, and thanks to Snape, Remus Lupin in full werewolf mode, and a fuckton of Dementors, Pettigrew escaped (despite Harry's attempts to track him down when he and Hermione had used the Time Turner), Sirius was forced to go on the run, and Remus was outed as a werewolf by a spiteful Snape.

That being said, Harry let Sirius stay in his trunk for a time, and the two managed to bond. He could take living things through the Shadow Demesne without harm should he be in contact with them, and he used it to help him get far enough away to flee the country.

And then, there was Harry's fourth year. The less said about that, the better. Having Ron turn on him out of jealousy was not fun, and even after he came back after the First Task, their friendship was distant. Still, Harry got to take Luna to the Yule Ball, and he managed to avoid outing his abilities during the Tri-Wizard Tournament, especially with that bitch Skeeter buzzing around. Then again, it would have been a moot point, as Hermione left her partially amnesic in Hogsmeade, with a letter threatening to expose her Animagus form if she spied on them again.

And, of course, the fiasco of the Third Task. Of Cedric dying, despite Harry's attempts to save him. Of a resurrected Voldemort fighting him, Harry using his Shadow-Walk to get back to the Portkey with Cedric's body. He was lucky Voldemort hadn't seen him use it, or at least he was sure Voldemort hadn't seen it. Otherwise, there would have been an immediate nationwide manhunt for Harry without Voldemort even needing to take over the Ministry. But given what Hermione had told him, it wasn't going to be much better any time soon…

* * *

Harry had had some good ways and bad ways to wake up of a morning, but waking up in the arms of two wonderful girls had already made it to number one. Not only that, but it was, along with what happened last night, going to be his next Patronus memory. Oh, he was a bit sore, he was sure Hermione and Luna were the same, and if it weren't for their potions, they'd be a lot sorer. Not for the first time, he was glad they stayed in the Shadow Demesne even when asleep. It was only if you wanted to consciously leave that you could, and time in what was laughably called reality (Luna's way of thinking was infectious) started again. A near-perfect bolthole. Which made him wonder how exactly the Shadow-Walkers died out, at least until he remembered what Luna told him. Most died in their arrogance, which seemed to be endemic in Magical Britain, even amongst the Shadow-Walkers. A few just went into hiding and bred in.

Hermione and Luna stirred. "Ain't abusing a time freeze ability the Ministry and Gringotts label as Dark for fun and profit grand?" Luna murmured.

"And we've made it last within the first second of your birthday, Harry," Hermione purred.

"Please don't say that to Padfoot," Harry said. "He'll make jokes about me being too fast. He's already making jokes about our outfits being kinky."

"Figure-hugging catsuits showing off our figures? I can see where he's coming from," Hermione said. "I'd ask if you enjoyed your birthday present, but I think we know the answer."

"Indeed. The Wrackspurts seem conspicuous by their absence," Luna said with a grin. "By the way, I've got an idea for our next fun night. Gillyweed and the Prefect Bathroom."

"We'll keep that under consideration," Harry said. "So, ladies, shall we continue our evil plot to stick it sideways to those who deserve it?"

The affirmations were all he needed to hear. Ah, life was good when one played to no rules but one's own…

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Some of the histories of Harry, Luna, and Hermione in this story.**

 **It's worth pointing out that there won't be any lemons. Yes, Harry, Luna and Hermione will be having sex, but I don't trust my ability to write a good sex scene. At best, I'll have a jump cut to Harry et al in mid-coitus for humorous purposes when someone else is speculating what they are doing. I did it once in** ** _Yin and Yang_** **.**

 **I'm posting this story now because DZ2 has not only generously added me to their favourite authors, but has also done their own story based on their challenge:** ** _Night Wolf: The Rising_** **. It ships Harry with Pansy Parkinson, and seems to indicate that Harry knew Viktor Krum and Fleur before the events of** ** _The Goblet of Fire_** **. Give it a go here:**

 **s/12365088/1/Night-Wolf-The-Rising**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	4. Chapter 3: Making Plans

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **MAKING PLANS**

Two days later by what most would call a normal calendar, Harry was going over the information Hermione had smuggled out to him. She had written it all down in her usual loquacious manner. Anyway, it seemed that the Order had been puzzled as to what happened to Snape's house. Snape did remember that he was brewing a volatile potion, thanks to Hermione's Gift of Mind, but the Potions Master's pride would never allow him to even consider he fucked up. Which he hadn't…unless you counted pissing Harry Potter off. Which Harry and his partners in crime did. Snape suspected someone sabotaged the potion. Which was the case, but for the wrong reasons.

Thankfully, she had been able to tell both Harry and Luna where the Order HQ was. She wasn't sure she could, but her Gift of Mind abilities allowed her to bypass the Fidelius, and she did so shortly before leaving. As it turned out, Luna came to visit, albeit via Shadow-Walking, and had found another soul fragment, in a locket. They later learned that Kreacher cheered up on the locket being cleansed, and had confessed, quietly, to Sirius what had happened to Sirius' brother Regulus.

Harry sighed. They were still compiling a list of vaults at Gringotts to go after, and Luna was using Shadow-Walking to do reconnaissance for them. Malfoy's vault was top of the list, of course, but you had the Lestrange vault, the Rookwood vault, the Dolohov vault…so many names and so little time. Oh wait, the 'so little time' part didn't apply when you could move through shadows in a single moment of timelessness.

Speaking of which, using the Shadow-Walk made doing chores so much easier. He did them at night, the gardening and cleaning ones. Vernon and Petunia suspected magic, but couldn't prove it. However, he did use his Gift of Body to change his appearance and become a burglar in their house, making sure Vernon caught a glimpse of the face of Mundungus Fletcher, whom Harry had dealings with, and who had pissed Harry off by welching on a deal (thankfully, Harry concealed his identity while dealing with Fletcher). This meant Harry had a handy scapegoat, blaming a man who was a thief in the magical world.

Harry felt that he had a good life. What he didn't accumulate in his own stores, he donated to St Mungo's and the DMLE, anonymously. He wasn't going to be a Robin Hood figure: he was doing this mostly to get revenge on those who had fucked him over. But helping those two organisations helped soothe his conscience. He also bought things for his friends, especially the Weasleys. Indeed, it wasn't just the prize from the Tri-Wizard Tournament he had given to the Twins to start their shop: he had also given them more capital from his own ill-gotten gains.

And, of course, there was the friendship of Hermione and Luna, his partners in crime. A friendship that he could see lasting for a long time, longer than most would think. After Voldemort and Dumbledore were dealt with, they intended to leave the public life forever. And with the Philosopher's Stone, they could live the high life for a very long time. How long that was going to be was up to them, really, but Harry knew that, if his birthday night was any indication, it was going to be a good one.

That was, of course, assuming they could deal with Voldemort and Dumbledore.

He was considering who to hit next. While they were originally planning on hitting the vaults of the Death Eaters in Gringotts, after hearing about Fudge's smear campaign, Harry wanted to hit him, and this Umbridge woman Hermione spoke of, next. In fact, when Hermione was here last, he had explained it to her, and she understood perfectly. If he robbed Fudge, the Minister might demand more money from those bribing him, especially the Death Eaters. And Hermione also pointed out that Fudge may have some evidence for his bribery, for leverage against his bribers if they betrayed him. They just needed to discuss it with Luna first.

So preoccupied was he with his thoughts that he didn't realise he had visitors until he heard knocking. He frowned. Someone had found his trunk, and knew he was in it. Hermione and Luna would merely use Shadow-Walking to enter via the portals they placed.

With a growl of annoyance, he left the bedroom, climbed the stairs, shifting his appearance to his supposed age as he did so, and opened the lid of the trunk up, to find a wand in his face. Several, in fact. He looked up to find the scarred, careworn face of Remus Lupin, the even more scarred face of Mad-Eye Moody, and a rather pretty witch in her twenties with violet hair that he was sure was the Tonks woman Hermione spoke of. Apparently Tonks was a Metamorphagus.

After a moment, he said, "Whatever you're selling, I don't want any." And with that, he closed the lid of the trunk. He snickered softly. One of the few good things his uncle taught him was how to deal with unsolicited callers.

A few seconds later, he heard the woman chuckling. And then, Moody growled, "I dunno whether that'd bamboozle a Death Eater, but damn if his cheek isn't impressive." Louder, he called out, "Open up, Potter! You can come out now."

Harry frowned. "And how do I know you're who you look like?"

"Ha! Smart kid!" Moody cackled. "Lupin?"

"Harry, it's me. Your Boggart is a Dementor. What is your Patronus?"

"…A stag, like my father," Harry said.

"…It's him, Alastor," Remus said. "Harry, listen to me. We need to get you to the Order's Headquarters. But you need to come with us via broomstick."

"Why? I'm having fun in here. And relatively safe."

"I guess he doesn't know," the woman said quietly. Louder, she said, "Harry, a pair of Dementors attacked your family a few hours ago. And we heard from the Ministry that you allegedly used a Patronus against them."

"News to me," Harry said. "I haven't been out of here since this morning. If I'm going to be in Durzkaban, then I'd rather have a luxury cell. Haven't even used my wand."

"Even so, they've scheduled a hearing," Moody growled. "And we're taking you somewhere safe, preferably outside the trunk. We'll take it as well."

Harry sighed dramatically. "Fine, but you bastards have better have a bloody good reason for keeping my friends from writing to me, and keeping Hedwig from me."

"Blame Dumbledore for that, Harry," the woman said.

 _Of course I am_ , Harry thought. He then clambered out of the trunk. "Okay, I know you, Moony, and I met your impostor, Mad-Eye, but who's this?"

"I'm Tonks. Just Tonks," she said.

"Just? Is that short for Justine?"

Tonks snorted. "I _wish_ I was called Justine. Anyway, time's a-wasting."

 _Yes, but not in the way you think_ , Harry thought darkly to himself…

* * *

It wasn't until later that night, once he was 'safely' ensconced at 12 Grimmauld Place, that he could talk safely to Hermione. He had to fake a row with her and Ron over not contacting him, and managed to do so convincingly. Then again, he was genuinely angry, which added verisimilitude. He'd also had a row with the rest of the Order, knowing that'd set the cat amongst the pigeons. And while most members of the Order still drank the Dumbledore Kool-Aid, to use the American expression, Hermione, using her Gift of Mind, had at least found some who were able to think independently enough from Dumbledore, along with associates, and had given it to him before back at Durzkaban.

Aside from the Twins, sadly, all the Weasleys were out of the running. They weren't bad, but they believed Dumbledore could do no wrong, and Ron still had feelings of envy about Harry, especially as Hermione had made it clear that she was now Harry's girlfriend. And so too was Mundungus Fletcher, who was a member of the Order, but who had apparently been on guard when the Dementors attacked, and yet walked off to engage in dodgy dealings. And while Moody was able to think for himself, he was so paranoid, things might backfire. McGonagall, who had been there before, was also still too enamoured with Dumbledore, while Snape…well, at best, he was a good spy in the Death Eater camp, but he was primarily out for his own interests.

Remus was a possibility: although still enamoured with Dumbledore, his main purpose was to try and protect Harry. His problem was with his self-loathing and his perceiving himself as weak. Tonks was a better candidate: while she had a high opinion of Dumbledore in some ways, she had a rather strong anti-authoritarian streak, and she hadn't wanted to see Harry get abused by the Dursleys. Sirius was trustworthy, of course, as he knew their secret, as did the Twins.

Harry, Hermione and Luna always shifted into the Shadow Demesne at the chimes of midnight simultaneously, if they were going to do it. If they wanted to bring a fellow Shadow-Walker in, they only had to touch them to wake them, and they would instantly shift into the Shadow Demesne. So when Harry woke to Hermione gently shaking his shoulder, he smiled. She was the only thing of colour in the now-monochrome room, clad in that very sexy outfit. "Hey," he said. "Sorry about earlier."

"I know. It hurt, but I could hear your thoughts anyway," Hermione said, sitting down on the bed next to him. He had opted to sleep in his trunk, to Ron's annoyance (which was partly ameliorated by Harry offering to buy him one). "You're a scarily good actor when you put your mind to it. Speaking of minds, how's the Occlumency barriers?"

"Good. Thank Merlin that Luna taught me before Hogwarts," Harry said. "And you helped give me even better ones. You and Luna are the best girls a guy can ever have, you know that? Beautiful, brainy, and good-hearted."

Hermione smiled, and then leaned down to kiss him. "I was worried, you know, when I heard about the Dementors. But then, I realised, the moment they attacked, you would have shifted. That was all that was stopping me from shifting and going over there."

"The Dursleys were Kissed, Hermione. And you know what? I don't really think I can grieve for them," Harry mused. "I dunno whether that makes me a bad person or not. Then again, what we do would probably see us in Azkaban."

"Well, why don't we go and wake up Luna, and start planning our next move? I haven't talked to her yet about hitting Fudge and Umbridge yet, but this hearing's shifted up our timetable to hit them where it hurts."

Harry smiled. "Let me get the suit on, and then we'll head to the Rookery…"

* * *

Not long afterwards, they were in Luna's bedroom in the Rookery, and Harry woke her. Thankfully, she was wearing pyjamas depicting cartoon burglars in striped shirts and domino masks. She woke, and listened to their plan. "That's a great idea, but as TS Eliot said, _Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act falls the shadow_."

"In other words, it's how we do it?" Harry asked.

"Yep!" Luna clambered out of bed, sauntering over to the window, pondering the Moon which gave her her name. "Remember, the three of us have potent abilities, even aside from our ability to Shadow-Walk. You can take memories, Hermione, copies or not, and implant new memories inside. I can take souls, usually those that are disembodied. And Harry can imitate anyone down to a tee, physically, anyway. I think we'll have to combine our raids of Fudge and Umbridge with that on the Department of Mysteries. So, we'd better get to planning. Then again, we pretty much have all the time in the world."

"A shame that, if we can find something linking Fudge or Umbridge to the attack of the Dementors, we can't have it published in _The Quibbler_ ," Hermione mused. "Otherwise, they might come demanding answers. And I don't want to put your father at risk. But maybe we can make sure any evidence finds its way to Madam Bones or Head Auror Scrimgeour. And if they don't use it…"

"CRY HAVOC, AND LET SLIP THE KITTENS OF ANARCHY!" Luna proclaimed.

"…Why kittens?" Harry asked.

"Have you ever tried to herd them?" Luna asked. "Kittens are the optimal mixture of cuteness and chaos."

"That…actually makes too much sense," Hermione said.

"I can make sense when I want to," Luna said, poking out her tongue in a mature manner. "I just prefer my own definition of sense. I reject your reality, and substitute my own."

"And we wouldn't have you any other way, Luna," Harry said. Hermione nodded in agreement, before Harry continued, "So, let's get down to business. We've got people to rob and embarrass…"

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Three chapters down, and this unholy trinity have decided on their next targets.**

 **It's surprisingly fun writing Lunar Harmony. They actually form a neat little Freudian trio. Luna, ironically for being a Ravenclaw (thus, theoretically, a house of Superegos) is an impulsive Id. Hermione is of course the Superego. And Harry is the Ego. Plus, Luna's always a delight to write.**

 **Incidentally, I'm already astonished at the attention this story has already gotten, just like with** ** _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_** **. Thanks, people! And please, don't forget to look at DZ2's stories. Without DZ2's kindness in letting me muck about with their challenge, this story wouldn't exist.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Gabriel Herrol** **: Yes, spells can be frozen in time in the Shadow Demesne. But they need shadows to use it. But they intend to gank Voldemort first. Harry and the others won't play fair.**

 **DZ2** **: You're welcome. As noted above, without you, this story wouldn't exist, so thanks for letting me mess around with the challenge. That being said, aside from this story and** ** _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_** **, my only other Lunar Harmony stories so far are my** ** _Resident Evil_** **crossover** ** _Henry Ashford and the Goblet of Fire_** **and its sequel. I have plenty of other stories for a number of tastes, mostly crossovers. Harry/Luna seems to be my favourite Potterverse pairing to write, though I tend to prefer Harmony stories. Then again, there's more Harmony than Harry/Luna stories. I look forward to the next chapter of** ** _Night Wolf: The Rising_** **.**

 **trood** **: Sadly, that's not the case. The best way to describe what she does is that she copies the information or memetic content directly from books and minds, or alters them (in the case of minds). But your idea that she can read even degraded books holds merit, given the above.**

 **robert32514** **: I know, but as I often say, quoting Sander Cohen from** ** _Bioshock_** **, "** ** _My muse is a fickle bitch, with a short attention span_** **." I write wholly on my own terms. I have plenty of stories for you to enjoy, and I'm glad you enjoy this one.**

 **daithi4377** **: It's because they can bypass wards and other protective magics. That was why the Shadow-Walkers were so feared. They were the perfect thieves, and could also be perfect assassins, hence the pogrom that killed most of them off, and drove the last remnants into hiding.**

 **giggles** **: Yeah, I hear that. And it's hard to write a good sex scene, so if I do write about sex, it's usually at one remove.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	5. Chapter 4: Ministry Misdemeanours

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **MINISTRY MISDEMEANOURS**

Harry and the others wore their Basilisk hide suits underneath their clothes all the time, as a matter of course, and only removed them if necessary or when sleeping (zippers taking care of any need to visit the toilet). Basilisk hide was about as good as dragon hide for repelling spells and being generally protective. Harry had been wearing it during the Third Task, and so, Pettigrew had been forced to take the blood from Harry's hand. It was useful when mitigating the effects of the Cruciatus Curse Voldemort used on him. Thankfully, Hermione and Luna had also developed a means of magically vanishing it as an emergency removal procedure, to prevent Dumbledore or anyone else getting suspicious of why Harry wore a Basilisk hide suit.

While this wasn't the first time Harry had broken into the Ministry with his powers, the last few times he did as reconnaissance, to test the limits of those powers. Now, however, he, Luna and Hermione were on a mission. Several, in fact.

As they walked through into the atrium of the Ministry of Magic, Harry peered at the fountain, depicting a Goblin, a Centaur, and a House Elf looking up at a wizard and witch with an awe only the House Elf would feel in real life. All depicted in gold. Streams of water from the wands of the wizard and witch, the arrow of the Centaur, the ears of the House Elf, and the tip of the Goblin's hat, were all frozen in mid-spray.

 _Tacky as fuck_ , Harry thought. "Can we change the fountain to having the Centaur rogering the wizard while the Goblin and House Elf tear at the witch's hair?" he asked out loud.

"Sadly, that'd only make it tackier," Hermione said. "Which, I suppose, is an achievement in of itself. What about them doing a conga line?"

Harry and Luna snorted in amused agreement…or perhaps agreed amusement. "Sadly, as much as I want to, we want to draw a minimum of attention to ourselves," Luna said.

Hermione sighed. Luna had no right being the voice of reason in their little triptych…or being a killjoy. That was Hermione's job, on both counts. "But we're committing theft within the Ministry of Magic. Hard to get more attention grabbing than that."

"True, but we want them to be on the lookout for thieves who may have done the improbable, not vandals who did the impossible," Luna said. "We can do that another day, though, when we're not going a-thieving. Incidentally, I vote for changing the statue to Fudge and Umbridge frolicking through a field of flowers, hand in hand."

Harry and Hermione winced. "I needed that mental image like I needed a hole in the head," Harry muttered.

"Well, trepanation is one of the oldest known surgical arts," Luna said, as she merrily skipped away.

* * *

In the office of Dolores Umbridge, Hermione looked around. "Why does this office look so weird? I mean, aside from the kitten plates on the walls?"

"Oh, that's because Umbitch is too fond of the colour pink," Luna said. "You can't see it because of the lack of colour in the Shadow Demesne, so you should be thankful."

"How do you know? Have you been here before?" Harry asked.

"Daddy came to try and get interviews from her regarding her laws, with me in tow. Unfortunately, they threw us out pretty quickly every time," Luna said with a pout. "The Umbitch doesn't believe in the freedom of speech, let alone people." She opened a draw, and her eyes widened. "Oh ho ho, what have we here?" She took a small bundle of quills out, dark-coloured ones.

"What are those, Luna?" Hermione asked.

"Blood quills," Luna said quietly. "They're mostly used in Gringotts for signing important contracts, literally in your own blood. But they also cause a scar to appear on your hand writing, as a reminder. Technically, she might be allowed to have two, if she needs to sign certain contracts on behalf of Fudge, or else have someone sign certain contracts…but to have several…she should have at most two. One for use, and another as a spare. There's a dozen here. These are restricted items because they can be used as a torture device: Phineas Nigellus Black narrowly avoided a sentence in Azkaban when he forced students to write lines with these. Of course, by themselves, all this will do is ensure Umbridge has to pay a rather onerous fine. We'll sell them off at Borgin and Burke's."

"Not tip off Bones?" Harry asked.

"This is not a major crime as far as Purebloods are concerned, not _possessing_ them, anyway, and Umbridge will be able to weasel her way out of it." She looked through other drawers after taking the blood quills and putting them into the pocket dimension. They didn't find much that was valuable, not even a safe. "Dammit, not so much as a wall safe!" Luna snapped.

"Must be smart enough not to leave anything incriminating at work," Hermione sighed. She frowned when she found something. "Wait a moment…what's this?"

She had plucked it from a shelf, within an ornate wooden box. Luna and Harry were there in a flash, and Luna grinned at the strange, eerie-looking amulet, with looked like a gnarled lump of obsidian. "Oh! This is an Ekrizdis Charm!"

"A what?" Harry asked.

"It's a charm used to communicate with and order Dementors," Hermione said. "I've only read about them. Supposedly, they were first created by Ekrizdis, the builder and ruler of Azkaban."

"Wow, really? Can we keep this one?"

"Of course! Anyway, these should be locked up in the DMLE, not in an unlocked box in the office of the Senior Undersecretary," Luna said.

"The box had wards, but I bypassed those," Hermione said. "She wasn't _that_ stupid."

* * *

Sadly, or happily, depending on your viewpoint, Fudge was. They spent an hour there, merrily taking away every luxurious decoration that they could. Harry even whistled the Colonel Bogey March as they did so, only to start singing…

" _Albus has only got one ball,_

 _Riddle has two but they're small,_

 _Sev'rus has something sim'lar,_

 _But Fudge has no balls at all_ …"

Even Hermione, despite her detesting bad language, couldn't help but laugh along with them. Then, she murmured, "Bingo," as she opened up a safe in the wall, behind a rather large portrait of Fudge, looking every bit as grand as he wasn't in real life. "Nice wards on this. Very strong Notice Me Not charms. And the safe itself is warded against spells." She took a stethoscope out, and placed it against the safe door, and began listening to the tumblers as she turned the dial. She scoffed. "Well, at least we don't need to go to Fudge's house, not to get the combination from his mind, anyway. This safe is ancient," she said quietly. After several minutes, she grinned, and the safe's door opened. She placed her hand on the papers and notebooks inside, closing her eyes. They twitched underneath her lids, before she opened them, and promptly pulled out a pair of notebooks.

"Are those what we're looking for?" Harry asked.

Hermione nodded. "One's a diary, his personal diary. Or at least the latest one. Has a few incriminating details in it. And the other one is his bribes and favours records. He's got that just in case something comes around to bite him in the rear. Not only that, but…well, did you know that the Wizengamot doesn't technically have a Whip?"

"…I thought corporal punishment was banned in politics. I mean, aside from the kinkier stuff behind closed doors," Harry said. "I remember going on a Shadow-Walk through the Houses of Parliament, and…"

"Too much information, Harry," Hermione said with a flinch. "But it's just as well you mentioned Parliament. Didn't you ever watch _House of Cards?_ Francis Urquhart?" On seeing his blank look, Hermione sighed, then looked at Luna. "You, Luna?"

"You might think that, I couldn't possibly comment," Luna said with a smirk(1).

Hermione sighed again. "Okay, little bit of political education for Harry James Potter. Pay attention, I may spring a test on you later. A Whip is someone in a standing government who basically ensures the current party votes the way it's supposed to. According to _House of Cards_ , the Chief Whip and his underlings are supposed to have a knowledge of the misdemeanours and scandalous behaviours of the party members, sometimes cover them up, and use them as leverage to force members to vote the way they want."

"But Magical Britain doesn't have a party system," Luna said. "It's more of a loose set of affiliations colloquially called 'Light, Dark, and Grey'. Maybe Fudge uses leverage on Grey wizards in the Wizengamot to have them vote for things he, or rather Malfoy and his cronies, want."

"True, and he does so through Umbridge," Hermione said. "She's the nearest thing he has to a Chief Whip." Then, her face paled. "Oh, _shit_. I just had this horrid thought of Umbridge basically being Francis Urquhart."

"That's a bad thing, right?" Harry asked.

"Urquhart manipulates and murders his way into power as Prime Minister in _House of Cards_. In the original book, he commits suicide when confronted about his guilt(2). But in the TV show, he murders the reporter confronting him. Who, incidentally, had been having an affair with him and calling him 'daddy'." Hermione winced at the thought.

"Can we leave it at Bones' desk?" Harry asked.

"Most of the bribes are covered up by donations to various causes," Hermione said. "Only a few are directly to Fudge himself. But yes, we'll leave the records with Bones. At the very least, she could make some waves. Ditto with his diary. Most of the entries are innocuous, but a few will have enough for the DMLE to begin investigations. And if they can't do anything, then I have the knowledge to start hitting them where it hurts even more. We'll head to the homes of Fudge and Umbridge next, after we're done in the Ministry, see if we can find anything else…I mean, besides to pilfer…"

* * *

After finishing their work in the offices of Fudge and Umbridge, the triptych of thieves headed to the DMLE and left the incriminating documents there, along with a Dicta-Quilled note. Luna amused herself by seeing if they had a file, but while there were a few files, there was nothing to suggest that the DMLE thought of any connection between the robberies. The three of them were amused at the personal comments of Bones about Harry's robbery of the Malfoys. They put them back in place, and prepared for what could be the most tricky part of the venture: infiltrating the Department of Mysteries.

In simple terms, the Department of Mysteries was the nearest thing Magical Britain had to an advanced research and development section. Of course, it was somewhat weirder than that. The sheer secrecy of the research topics involved meant that those working there called themselves Unspeakables. And while there were plenty of things in there that they intended to steal one day, at the moment, they were searching for one thing in particular.

The prophecy.

Admittedly, there were scores of the damned things in the Hall of Prophecy, and it took a while for them to figure out the system…well, for Harry and Hermione. Luna, however, looked rather smug as Hermione explained things. She had figured it out swifter, but just liked seeing them squirm a little. Luna's mischief towards them wasn't quite malicious, but there were times when she did enjoy a touch of schadenfreude.

They soon found a prophecy orb marked with the initials of Dumbledore and Trelawney, along with 'Dark Lord and (?) Harry Potter'. Harry rubbed his chin. "Well, how are we going to do this?"

"Only those who are the subject of the prophecy can pick up the orb," Luna said. "Or the Keeper of this hall. Otherwise, they go nuts. Though I guess with some Death Eaters, you couldn't tell the difference afterwards. Or maybe it would drive them sane. What an interesting idea. Prophecy therapy."

"Maybe we should try it on you," Hermione murmured mutinously, remembering that Luna let them both struggle to figure out the shelving system of the prophecies.

"Actually, that's what my uncle did when I was eight," Luna said. "I've never been happier."

"…That explains so much, and yet so little," Harry said. "Okay, let's grab the prophecy and get the hell out of here."

"I think not."

The trio froze at the unexpected rasp of a voice, and turned, slowly, to face the one who had spoken. A robed figure, a cowl concealing their face, was standing there, a splash of brown and grey in the otherwise monochromatic colours of the Shadow Demesne.

"Shadow-Walkers, I believe? Well, I know just what to do with you…" the figure spoke in a menacing rasp…

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Oh,** ** _shit_** **. Well, there you go. Sadly, even if this is meant to be a fun OP Harry romp, not everything will go his way. Or won't it?**

 **Now, some of you have been drawing comparisons to Rorschach's Blot's** ** _Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood_** **. This is wholly unintentional. I have read only the first few chapters of the story before, and at the time, it didn't engage me, so I didn't have it in mind at the time. That being said, I have since gone back and tried again. This story will be somewhat less cracky. I would believe that** ** _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_** **has more in common, style-wise, with** ** _Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood_** **. As cracky as this fic has been, it is still somewhat more serious, and the more crack-like elements are mostly due to Luna Lovegood being, well, herself.**

 **If I had to pick a fic that I DID take inspiration from, it was, as mentioned before,** ** _Faery Heroes_** **by Silently Watches (which had scenes I was inspired by), though DMentor's** ** _Tempest of the Fae_** **(put a period between 'D' and 'Mentor' for the username: damn website altering things) had some small influence as well. Destroying Snape's home via engineered potion accident, for example, came from** ** _Tempest of the Fae_** **, albeit in a different manner.**

 **Incidentally, given the references to** ** _House of Cards_** **, I thought I'd actually say that I have posted my first EVER challenge, in DZ2's forums. It's basically a challenge that has Umbridge as the equivalent of Francis Urquhart in a Harry Potter version of** ** _House of Cards_** **. If this interests you, check it out here:**

 **topic/88470/160450714/1/You-Might-Think-That-I-Couldn-t-Possibly-Comment-Harry-Potter-House-of-Cards-challenge**

 **Now, Review-Answering time!** **DZ2** **: Thanks again. Though it's more like pulling a hood over the head of the flaming turkey…well, it'd have to be a fireproof hood. You know, like the hoods they use in falconry?**

 **Reishin Amara** **: Luna is a delight to write because she can be written as so out there. Now that I come to think about it, she's like a more intelligent version of Ayumu 'Osaka' Kasuga from** ** _Azumanga Daioh_** **.**

 **Stormbow** **: Yes, I do too, in terms of reading them. Sadly, I haven't written as many Harmony fics as I would have liked to. I want to fix that one day.**

 **tamagat** **: There won't be a sequel, so no.**

 **daithi4377** **: Actually, Harry will be getting some help in that regard in the next chapter, someone who can make the hearing go away…albeit for a small price.**

 **brianlondon13** **and** **pagehopps** **: The quote, as brianlondon13 pointed out, was used by Adam Savage in one of the early episodes of** ** _Mythbusters_** **, namely the first Rear Axle one. So, no, it is NOT a reference to a Reality Marble, though I think someone SHOULD use that quote in a Nasuverse crossover. That being said, Adam Savage was actually quoting from a movie: namely** ** _The Dungeonmaster_** **. Which itself is not dissimilar to a line in** ** _Doctor Who: The Deadly Assassin_** **, which I didn't realise until Wikipedia pointed it out. And what was the reality the Doctor was denying? The Matrix, a virtual reality system made of a collection of minds over two decades before the Wachowskis made their film. Food for thought…**

 **DalkonCledwin** **: I corrected the problems. Yes, the agreement stood here, but it only counted until their bodies were 16. They still age while in the Shadow Demesne. Yes, you can borrow that term: oleaginous means 'oily'. Though it also means someone who is eager to please, which Snape is not. I've spelt Metamorphagus in all my fics this way, so I'll keep up the spelling for consistency, and will only change it for a new fic. Snape got the pictures by bribing House Elves, and Harry wouldn't have kept those pictures, because** ** _that's his mother_** **.** ** _Ew_** **. I think it was more than sakurademonalchemist who used that idea, but yes.**

 **The pillar of fire thing was (albeit subconsciously) inspired by the one seen at the end of** ** _Raiders of the Lost Ark_** **, so I guess biblical is a term that could be used. And I had the Spectral Realm from the** ** _Legacy of Kain_** **games wholly in mind when thinking of the Shadow Demesne, with touches of a number of** ** _Doctor Who_** **stories where weird stuff happens with time (** ** _The Chimes of Midnight, Warriors' Gate, The Space Museum_** **, etc), as well as the frozen Hyrule castle from** ** _The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker_** **(which I just realised while writing this reply to your review), and, as mentioned before, Death's powers from the Discworld series, along with those of Susan. In fact, the monochrome landscape of the Shadow Demesne is probably inspired by the similarly monochrome (for the most part) Death's Domain from the books. If you watch the adaptation of** ** _Hogfather_** **, they have the scenes in Death's House entirely in monochrome, save for the characters.**

 **Finally, what are you talking about, with that whole 'Blind Eternities' thing? Is it from a book I'm unaware of?**

 **1\. Luna used the catchphrase of Urquhart from the first TV adaptation of** ** _House of Cards_** **. Most of you will be familiar with the US version and the American equivalent of Francis Urquhart, Frank Underwood. I highly recommend the original book, incidentally, and even the original TV show: Ian Richardson is a brilliant Urquhart.**

 **2\. I made a note here because in recent editions of the original book, published to tie in with the US adaptation, it was rewritten by Michael Dobbs to be more like the ending of the first TV adaptation, where Urquhart kills the journalist, Mattie Storin.**


	6. Chapter 5: Better Call Saul

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **BETTER CALL SAUL(** **1)**

The sheer pants-filling (thankfully, not literally) terror Harry felt in that moment that they were caught was suddenly dispelled when Luna pouted, and said, "Uncle Saul, that wasn't very nice scaring my friends. Under the Luna Lovegood Friendship Contract, only I can scare the excrement from them in the name of entertainment, and any parties who do so will be subjected to whatever punishment I see fit." She poked her tongue out for emphasis, like a period at the end of a sentence.

The robed figure chuckled. "Oh, you never change, Luna. But there are times when I get bored even deducing the endless mysteries and wonders of existence. Wizards, even Unspeakables, get too narrow-minded about what to research, and my requests to research other fields get denied. So you'll forgive me for wanting some entertainment." He pulled back his cowl, revealing a middle-aged man with sunken, hooded eyes and a face that could have been vaguely thuggish, if it weren't for the impish, Luna-like smirk playing around his lips, and a mischievous twinkle in those deep-set that was like Dumbledore's, only…less of an artifice(2).

Harry blinked. He knew this man, or rather, he had seen him in passing. "You were at the Quidditch World Cup last year. Arthur Weasley pointed you out. Croaker, wasn't it?"

"Indeed. Saul Croaker, Unspeakable, at your service," the man said, giving a bow. "And like you, I am a Shadow-Walker, as you will have doubtless guessed. My baby sister was Luna's mother, Pandora. I daresay Lovegood is a better name than Croaker. Some people thought I was related to that ghastly Umbridge woman. But come, this is no place to speak of such things. We'll speak in my office…"

* * *

The office was strangely Spartan, given the wonders and odd things in the rest of the Department of Mysteries. A desk and some bookshelves, plus a few pictures of the Lovegood family, were all that decorated it. Croaker sat down at the desk, and conjured up a trio of chairs for the would-be thieves. As they sat down, he said, "We've been keeping an eye on you for some time. Luna kept quiet about you two being Shadow-Walkers, but I've known about you, Harry, since I saw you Shadow-Walking through Knockturn Alley. And when I saw Hermione do the same only recently…I know your names because Luna calls you her best friends whenever I come to call. You've caused something of a stir with both the Minister and with Madam Bones. In fact, she was the first in the Ministry, aside from myself, to consider the possibility of Shadow-Walkers doing the deed."

"But the files…" Harry muttered before he could stop himself.

"Were a diversion, in case you decided to look through them. She had a feeling she knew where those anonymous donations to the DMLE and St Mungo's came from," Croaker said. "She is the only one other than myself who suspected your natures."

"Are you going to expose us?" Hermione asked.

Croaker snorted. "Where would the fun be in that? If I expose you, I would be forced to expose my own abilities, and while Madam Bones is somewhat open-minded, there is still a mandate on the books, albeit centuries-old, to subject any Shadow-Walkers to the Kiss should they be found. The Goblins were even more insistent on that than the Purebloods who lost their wealth. Should I expose you, I myself would end up dead, or at least as good as. Only Madam Bones will learn of this, I will swear to it."

"Why her?" Harry asked.

"Because she sees the corruption in the system," Croaker said. "We have the same problems as mundane society, but magnified and concentrated, partly due to our small population, and partly due to magic conferring a certain laziness, as well as a surprisingly conservative mindset. Nor is Magical Britain the sole culprit. Until some decades ago, wizards and witches in the United States were forbidden from marrying Muggles, what they called No-Majs, and even now, while some fools within MACUSA believe it a progressive utopia, the reality is quite different. Here, we have many problems. Take Arthur Weasley, for instance. Though an expert on Muggle artifacts of various kinds, the sad truth is, as you may know, he is baffled by them, partly because of his Pureblood upbringing. A Halfblood raised in the Muggle world or a Muggleborn would have much less trouble identifying, for example, the purpose of a rubber duck, and even a Pureblood could understand much if they actually looked around and investigated. But magic imposes a tunnel vision, a sense of superiority. And while magic gives us an advantage over Muggles in many regards, to think we are superior is to invite the universe to prove us wrong."

"Sod's Law," Luna said in a sing-song tone.

Hermione stared flatly at Croaker. "You've got way more sense than most wizards and witches."

"The rest of them set the bar pretty low, but then again, I could say the same thing for Muggles. Our failings are human failings. But enough philosophy. Madam Bones is pretty much powerless to deal with the Death Eaters who escaped imprisonment by pleading the Imperius. Many of them are from rich Pureblood families, and Pureblood doctrine reigns supreme. It suits Dumbledore to allow this state of affairs to continue because it means he is the shadow ruler of Magical Britain by dint of control, and even Fudge's campaign against him won't seriously challenge his power in the long run, not once Voldemort moves openly. But when Bones discovered a thief beginning to target certain Death Eaters, one who seemed to bypass many wards…well, she is one of the few who knows about the Shadow-Walkers. Her hands are tied by both the law, and the manipulations of Dumbledore and the higher-ranking Death Eaters. But…if you are targeting the elements of our society that are stifling it…she is willing to look the other way. It's only thanks to your donations that the DMLE can keep operating without being cut away to a skeleton staff."

"Those budget cuts," Luna said, "they're being suggested by Malfoy to Fudge, aren't they?"

Hermione's eyes widened as Croaker nodded. "Malfoy's trying to weaken the Aurors so that when Voldemort comes back…" she hissed in horrified realisation.

"He's been doing that for years, but you're a bright girl. Shame you aren't in Ravenclaw like my niece," Croaker said. "Malfoy does it simply so he could find favour with Voldemort when he came back. Malfoy tries to play for the winning team, but he always makes contingencies. They're slippery buggers, that family. Did you know it was the Malfoys who protested against the Statute of Secrecy? They detested poor Muggles, but rich ones, they had major dealings with until the Statute was passed. Ironically, it was one of your ancestors, Harry, who championed the Statute of Secrecy. Personally, I think the way things are now, once Voldemort is dealt with, the Statute could be simply done away with. There may be so-called witch hunts, like those the New Salem Philanthropic Society in America in the early 20th Century, but I believe on the whole it will be mostly, if not smooth, then at least not the disaster most naysayers believe it to be. I believe the Statute of Secrecy to do more harm than good, partly because it ties up too much time and resources trying to cover our world up, and partly because, when a Dark Lord does arise, I am sure Muggles would want to deal with them as much as we do. But alas, I am an overly optimistic dreamer, so my colleagues claim."

Harry looked at Croaker. "In exchange for your silence…and that of Madam Bones…what do you want?"

Croaker shrugged. "I wouldn't just be silent. The Unspeakables do have some influence on Fudge and Umbridge, and if I were to hint loudly enough that we were interested in you, they could be persuaded to stop this hearing they seem so intent on."

"Even if we've robbed them blind?"

"They wouldn't know it was you, of course. If anything, they might want to prioritise catching the thief over your hearing. Anyway, you asked for conditions. I would like first refusal on studying certain magical artifacts. I am fairly sure I know how Voldemort survived. He used a kind of phylactery known as a Horcrux, I believe."

The three thieves looked at each other, before Luna said, "Uncle…we've already dealt with some of them, I believe. We're looking for any more, but…"

"What? You found some?" Croaker demanded. "What were they?"

"There was a small fragment in my scar, probably created by accident," Harry said, pointing to it. "There were others in the Diadem of Rowena Ravenclaw in the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts, a diary once belonging to Voldemort, and a locket found elsewhere."

Croaker blinked, before leaning back in his chair. "Well, well, well, colour me impressed. And I think I know why you think the one in your scar was an accident. Few people have ever tried to create a Horcrux in a living being, and given what it said in the prophecy around you and Voldemort…well, he would have been more likely to murder you to prevent a rival from rising. In fact, if he made enough Horcruxes, he may well have had an unstable soul."

"What is a Horcrux exactly?" Hermione asked. "I know that they're soul fragments, and you said something about a phylactery, like with a lich from fiction. So a wizard creating Horcruxes splits their souls to use those things as anchors? Am I right?"

"Indeed. As I said, you're a smart girl. But to do such a thing requires two things. The first is a rather vile ritual which I will not repeat. I only know of it because we have some of the few full references to the ritual, and rest assured, it is so vile that, if it was more widely known, those who undertake it we would send to Azkaban. The second is to commit an act of cold-blooded murder, which is what cleaves the soul. I presume Voldemort had performed the ritual, and had intended to create a Horcrux with your death, Harry. Instead, when whatever your mother did to you protected you…Voldemort's soul shattered, and part of it ended up in you." Croaker smiled. "Ah, your mother, Harry. She worked here, though you probably wouldn't have heard about it. She was one of the few to work in the Love Room, and it was in her researches that she found the ritual used to protect you from the Killing Curse, I am sure. I do not know which one she used."

"Why do you want one of the Horcruxes?" Harry asked.

"Why, to study it, of course. They are ludicrously rare, albeit for obvious reasons. Also…there is a possible ritual we can use to use a Horcrux to find the remaining ones, as well as Voldemort himself," Croaker said. "I don't know if it will work, but it's worth a try. The fact that you have managed to find and deal with most of them is heartening."

"Most of them? How can you be so sure?" Hermione asked.

"I may be wrong, but I would venture to say that Voldemort intended to create six Horcruxes in the first place, which, along with the part of his soul still remaining in his body, makes seven, a magically powerful number. Harry, being an accidental Horcrux, would make it eight, and thus seven Horcruxes. As you have eliminated four so far, I would guess that he has three left, as a gut feeling." He then frowned. "Luna, the locket you cleansed, presumably with the Gift of Soul you share with me…describe it."

"Golden, with a green stone inlay making up the letter S. And yes, Uncle, I considered that possibility."

"What possibility?" Harry asked.

"My niece has described what could be the Locket of Salazar Slytherin," Croaker said. "As for the possibility she describes…well, it seems that Voldemort has turned at least two of the Founder's Relics into Horcruxes. It's possible that he made at least one more. I doubt the Sword of Godric Gryffindor would suffer a Horcrux: Goblin-made weapons tend to be resistant to such enchantments. The Sorting Hat could count, but given its sentience, it'd be loath to suffer a Horcrux for long. Still a possibility, if a chilling one. It might be that Voldemort made the Cup of Helga Hufflepuff into a Horcrux. Anyway, should you find another Horcrux, bring it to me forthwith. I have an alarm clock that wakes me when there are Shadow-Walkers within the Department of Mysteries, and brings me into the Shadow Demesne. However, there is another condition to my silence and helping your hearing go away."

"Which is what?" Harry asked suspiciously.

Croaker spread his arms. "I would like to recruit you into the Department of Mysteries. That is how I was brought in, though I was forced to sign a magically-binding contract that I not use my powers to steal or kill anymore, or else I forfeit my magic, and with that, my life shortly thereafter. Hence why I am unable to use my powers to do what you do, robbing the richly deserving. I made the mistake of flaunting my wealth, and got careless and caught by the elder Barty Crouch in his early days in the DMLE. He gave me the ultimatum of signing such a contract, or being executed on the spot. However, I would not impose such a draconian condition on you. I would swear a vow on my life and magic, and so too would Bones, as she would find such a group of troubleshooters to be useful. I also wish to study, albeit in secret, concealed even from the other Unspeakables, the magic of the Shadow-Walkers."

"Harry, Hermione, take it. He means well," Luna said quietly. "He taught me, and my mother. He won't do anything to us."

"But you didn't tell us about him," Harry said.

"You didn't ask," Luna said. She looked at Croaker. "Uncle Saul, we know what the prophecy has, thanks to what Hermione got out of Dumbledore's memory. Harry, according to it, is going to be forced to face Voldemort."

"It's not a fake prophecy, is it?" Harry asked.

"Sadly, no, or it wouldn't be there. Dumbledore took advantage of it, but it was a genuine prophecy from a genuine Seer, albeit a perpetually plastered one who hasn't given many prophecies," Croaker explained. "Do you intend to take it?"

"To prevent Voldemort from getting his hands on it, and to confuse the Order," Hermione said.

"Hmm. I daresay they have sent a couple of Order members on occasion to 'guard' it. Their fears are mildly justified, especially if Voldemort breaks old Augustus Rookwood out," Croaker mused. "Very well. Do you agree to my offer?"

"It's not like we have much choice, is there?"

"Oh, you could refuse to join the Department…but it means you have less of my protection, or that of Bones, and while I will still try to get Fudge and Umbridge to drop their hearing, if you don't wish to join the Unspeakables, it means that my reasons may be suspect. I won't expose you…but should anyone get any inkling of what you are, you will be executed without delay, or perhaps someone will blackmail you into becoming a pet thief and/or assassin. Dumbledore certainly wouldn't hesitate, and once your usefulness is over, he would have you denounced and executed. I don't want my niece to suffer that fate."

Harry, Hermione, and Luna all looked at each other, before turning back to Croaker and nodding. "Okay, we'll accept," Harry said.

"Good. Incidentally, Harry, it may be that thievery is in your blood," Croaker said. When Harry's eyes narrowed, Croaker held up his hands. "I don't mean that in a bad way. You have at least one famous name in your family tree, one who was also a Shadow-Walker, born to a family of Squibs, and a Squib herself, save for Shadow-Walking. She didn't discover this ability until much later in her life, but used it to escape prison, along with her unborn child, and flee into obscurity, though she continued to use her abilities. She was a pirate of considerable renown, even before she gained her powers."

"What was her name?"

"Anne Bonny."

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Croaker's a Shadow-Walker, and Harry has learned he has a famous ancestor. This was an idea that DZ2 had for his** ** _Night Wolf: The Rising,_** **which had Harry with Dick Turpin and Jack the Ripper as ancestors. I personally felt that the latter was a bit on the nose, but whatever, it's DZ2's story, not mine. It's his choice on what to write for that story.**

 **It was hard thinking of a famous ancestor, and one who was a thief of some sort. I considered Jonathan Wild (who was more of a mob boss than a thief, admittedly), Jack Sheppard (a notorious thief and who testified against Wild and managed to get Wild convicted), Jenny Diver (later made famous by** ** _The Threepenny Opera_** **), Arsene Lupin, Simon Templar, and Arthur J Raffles (all thieves from fiction).**

 **DZ2's usage of Jack the Ripper got me thinking of using Marie Jane Kelly: I have recently finished reading Alan Moore's graphic novel epic** ** _From Hell_** **, and it is hinted (though highly ambiguous, especially given the context) that Kelly may have survived, with the last victim in the novel being another woman. And I wanted to do my little nod to that. I had this notion that Kelly's Shadow Gift was the Gift of Doppelganger, allowing her to substitute herself with a clone in times of deadly danger…or to basically take her place with servicing clients during her career as a prostitute. However, I thought that may be a bit on the nose for Harry's ancestor, or any of them (though I might revisit that in a later chapter), so I changed it to Anne Bonny, one of the most famous female pirates, and one whose fate is delightfully ambiguous. A pirate, after all, is usually a thief on a grand scale.**

 **EDIT: A bunch of reviewers pointed out a continuity error involving the Basilisk, which has since been written out. D'OH!**

 **Review-answering time!** **DZ2** **: Ideas are easy. Story structures and motivation to continue are the bad parts. Glad you enjoyed it, though.**

 **cuddlebugCuller** **: Ah, I see. I don't have that much experience with** ** _Magic: The Gathering_** **, beyond playing a few minutes of one of the computer games.**

 **Yugi the Godfather of Games** **: I had a quick look for this story, and couldn't find it, so I can't say I have ever read it.**

 **1\. Yes, this is a reference to the TV series. I couldn't resist. That being said, I have watched no episodes, and only the first one of its parent show,** ** _Breaking Bad_** **.**

 **2\. I originally wanted Croaker to look like Patrick Troughton, but then, I decided on his son, David Troughton, who, sadly, seems to get a lot of roles lately where he plays thugs or villains, and few where he's decent and nice.**


	7. Chapter 6: The Wages of Sin

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **THE WAGES OF SIN**

After leaving the Ministry, having made plans with Croaker, Harry, Hermione and Luna headed to the homes of Fudge and Umbridge. Luna had scouted those homes, so they made it there almost instantly via Shadow-Walking. They first went to Umbridge. As much as Luna told the others to trust Croaker and his offer, Harry wanted to be sure. As it was, Croaker was amused at the thought of both Fudge and Umbridge being taken down a peg or two: he had an ongoing dispute with Fudge over the funding of the Department of Mysteries and allowing so-called former Death Eaters access, and Umbridge had taken Fudge's side, taking umbrage with Croaker. Of course, Croaker had also outlined a plan to set Fudge and Umbridge on Dumbledore, but leave Harry out of it, one that Harry, reluctantly, gave his approval to, after considerable discussion. That being said, Croaker didn't mind letting Harry, Hermione and Luna have their fun first.

Umbridge, as it happened, either didn't take bribes, or, more likely, kept the money at Gringotts. Her house was also rather inexpensive, as were most of what was within. Umbridge, it seemed, was prudent with her money, not showing off any wealth. There was an excess of girly colours in whatever they handled, true, and too many kitten plates, but there were few truly expensive things here. There was a safe, but it didn't have anything incriminating. No diary detailing dastardly deeds or dirt on diabolical Death Eaters. No, all there was were a few pieces of jewellery, which they stole. Umbridge was relatively austere, her only apparent vices in her home being kitten plates, girly colours, and a collection of Muggle horror novels, including Stephen King(1). Hermione did look through the sleeping Umbridge's mind, though, and that's when they hit the jackpot.

Sitting in the lounge room of Umbridge's home, Hermione said, "There's nothing we can prove, nothing we can send to Madam Bones, but Umbridge was the one who set those Dementors on you. She wanted to silence you as a threat to the Minister."

"Did Fudge order that?" Harry asked.

Hermione shook her head. "No. Fudge wants you tarnished and silenced, but dead is another matter. Umbridge, though…ugh, she's a wannabe Death Eater, but she's too cowardly to go over to them overtly. She's basically a groupie. She thinks killing or disgracing you would be a good way to get into Voldemort's good books if he is back. And if he isn't…well, one less dissident in the world. The horrible things she's done…Harry, I want to do the same to that bitch as I did to Lockhart. Only worse. She's willingly supplied the names of Muggleborns to supposedly reformed Death Eaters, for their own sordid pleasure. She's too smart to keep records, too, save for in her head. The best we can do is send the names of those 'reformed' Death Eaters to Bones and hope she can find something."

"I guess we should be thankful you looked in her head rather than me," Harry said. "Should we alter her memories, try to prevent my hearing?"

"No. She might wonder why she cancelled it or something. Here's the real kicker, though. Unless Dumbledore finds a new DADA teacher…well, she's going to be the new one. And she has no intention of teaching us anything useful, even though Aurors need DADA training, and competent training. I want to leave her a vegetable for that alone. I hate substandard educators, especially ones who don't know anything about the subject."

"Really?" Harry asked. "What about Lockhart? Or Snape? Or Binns?"

"Okay, with Lockhart, I had a schoolgirl crush. Snape's a brilliant Potions Master, it's just his teaching style and his personality that's wanting. I learned more from going through his mind than I ever did from books…or his lessons. And as for Binns…yeah, we need an old priest and a young priest."

"Be gone! In the name of the Lion, the Raven, and the confused Lion/Raven!" Luna cried out, before she contorted her face, and then looked at Umbridge's sleeping form. In a demonic growl, she said, "Your mother sucks toad cocks in hell…so, nothing she didn't do in real life, then."

Hermione, after a moment of her face being twisted in disgust and horror, asked, "Who was stupid enough to let you watch _The Exorcist?_ "

Harry put his hand up. "Sorry, but Piers Polkiss had been watching it when I stole their VCR. Luna wanted to watch it, and she badgered me into letting her. I didn't watch it with her."

"And I can honestly say that Pazuzu is nothing like that in reality," Luna said. "He's just one big cuddle monster."

Hermione's mouth worked up and down like that of a ventriloquist's doll, before she said, "I'm not even going to try to deal with that. Luna, no imitating anyone from horror movies, please."

"But I haven't even done my Freddy Krueger impression!" Luna pouted. "Actually, for this Halloween, can we go in costume? Harry can be Count Dracula, and we can be the Brides! Or maybe I can be the Queen of Vampires, and you two can be my fledglings!"

"Oh, please," Harry muttered. "Can you see any reason why we'd want to be vampires?"

* * *

In another parallel stream of Lunar Harmony existence, a triptych of vampires all sneezed at once. Luna Lovegood, Queen of the Vampires of Magical Britain and head of the Pudding Club, blinked. "Huh. We just had a simultaneous sternutation due to cross-dimensional memetic contamination."

"What?" Harry asked.

"Layman's terms, we sneezed because someone's talking about us."

Hermione looked up from a Death Eater she was feeding on. "Don't be ridiculous, Luna. I mean, I know that's your thing, but…"

"If I wasn't ridiculous, I couldn't exist! Curse you, person talking about me behind my back who is probably a sexy double of me who is not a vampire! I will get you back, somehow!"

* * *

Luna cocked her head. "I think I've just been threatened by a parallel version of myself who can make a delicious chocolate cake."

Harry and Hermione exchanged glances. This was far from the weirdest thing their partner in crime and lover had said. They decided it was best for everyone's sanity to just accept it and move on…

* * *

They left Umbridge's house, though not before Hermione left a compulsion within the Batrachian Bitch's mind that, whenever she thought ill of halfbreeds and those of impure blood, she would suffer from a severe case of coprolalia(2). They then made their way to Fudge's house, and there, they had more luck. Fudge had used his bribe money to keep himself in a style he was accustomed to, which was ridiculously opulent and lavish.

As they began to ransack the house, Hermione asked, "Should we be more like Robin Hood?"

"Well, we ARE robbing hoods," Luna said.

"No, I mean robbing the rich and giving to the poor," Hermione said.

"Hermione, I've got more than enough money in my own vaults to found all sorts of charities," Harry said. "And if we've got anything left over after we deal with Voldemort, I'll happily give to the poor and the deserving. But Voldemort's the priority, along with Fudge, Dumbledore, and their lackeys. Besides, we've helped the Weasleys out financially, albeit covertly. Molly's too proud to accept my money without a fight. The problem is, they're also too loyal to Dumbledore, and even if they're good people, they're still a risk as long as Dumbledore's alive and able to influence them. There weren't any plots against me from them?"

Hermione snorted. "Apart from Ginny having fantasies of ensnaring you with a Love Potion, but she feels guilty about that, so they're just fantasies. Molly's more concerned about you having to fight the Death Eaters and Voldemort. And Ron…well, he's still jealous, but he's hurt about our friendship breaking down. He's not bad, he just needs a kick in the rear to get him out of his entitlement issues and self-pity about his position in the family. He knows we're getting closer, and he's torn between getting angry at us, and wishing us well. He genuinely wants to be our friend, Harry, but he doesn't know how. And given our activities…well…"

Harry nodded. "Unfortunately, I can't trust him as well as I used to, given last year. I don't hate him, I just…anyway, the Weasleys are amongst those we help anyway. They showed me great kindness, and Molly, for all her being smothering, is the mother I never really had. And Arthur's like your dad, Luna. The Weasleys deserve to have their burdens relieved, even if we can't trust them with our secret…well, save for the Twins. They know, of course."

"They love how we can set pranks that all of us have an alibi for," Luna said.

* * *

They soon made their way to Fudge's bedroom, where he was in bed with someone who was most definitely not his wife. Apparently Mrs Fudge, according to Luna, was off visiting her family for the weekend. Fudge had good taste in lovers: the woman in bed with him was a looker. Luna recognised the woman as a Muggleborn records-keeper in the DMLE looking for advancement.

"It's a sad fact of life in our world," Luna said. "While nepotism and connections are rife amongst Muggles, it's even worse here, especially with Muggleborn women. Sometimes, the only way to get promotion is, well, on one's back."

Hermione scowled at the thought of having sex with a Ministry bureaucrat just to get anywhere in her life. For all her desperate desire to prove herself, she also had standards. Then again, she couldn't judge the young woman in the bed: she probably got fooled into believing that Magical Britain was a wonderful place, only to find that reality was harsh. It was Fudge she blamed, for taking advantage of this woman.

As they continued ransacking the house, Harry then remembered what Croaker had mentioned. "Hey, Hermione? Luna? Do you know anything about Anne Bonny?" he asked.

"Don't you?" Hermione asked.

"I only know that she was a famous female pirate, she was apparently friends with another one called Mary Read, and that she worked under some pirate called Rackham. Other than that…"

Hermione sighed quietly. "Well, you're right, though you missed out on a lot of detail. She was Irish, originally born Anne McCormac in Cork in 1690, the bastard daughter of a lawyer and his servant girl. He took her to London and had her dressed as 'Andy', a son, before moving to Charleston in South Carolina. Anne once stabbed a servant in a fit of anger. She married a sailor called John Bonny, but her father disowned her. According to legend, she set fire to his plantation in revenge, though nobody knows for sure."

"Hell hath no fury?" Harry asked.

"Maybe. Anyway, she and her husband moved to Nassau, then an infamous pirate haven, and eventually, she joined the crew of John Rackham, better known as Calico Jack. She divorced John Bonny and became Rackham's lover, having at least one son with him. She also met Mary Read at that time. Anyway, they were notoriously skilled pirates, and when they were captured by the Navy, the two women were the only ones sober enough to put up any kind of resistance. In fact, Anne was said to say to Rackham that ' _Had you fought like a man, you wouldn't be hanged like a dog!_ ' They managed to get a stay of execution as they were pregnant. Read died of a fever from childbirth, but Anne Bonny disappeared from the record, with no paperwork of her execution or release. Some thought her father bailed her out, and she was married off to a government official in Jamaica and had a long life, and others thought that she escaped and returned to piracy."

"Well, that's when she discovered her Shadow-Walker powers," Luna said. "When she disappeared, I mean. Like you, Harry, she had the Gift of Body, and was able to use that to change her identity, and slip into obscurity. We only know that she was a Shadow-Walker because her diary was discovered hidden in the library of Ilvermorny School in Massachusetts, though how it got there, we don't know. It's rare for Muggles or Squibs to manifest such power, as Bonny could have been either."

"How do you know this, Luna?" Hermione asked.

"Uncle Saul showed me the diary," Luna said. "Bonny faded into anonymity, but she frequently still stole using her abilities. Thankfully, she was never caught. Her son, supposedly, went back to England, and became your ancestor, Harry."

"Huh. Nice to know I have an ancestor more famous than I am," Harry said. "Even if it's for piracy."

* * *

They were soon done stripping out Fudge's house, and had managed to steal the information from the diaries he kept in a safe. While they were at it, Hermione implanted a compulsion in him to place an Auror or an ex-Auror into the DADA position, not Umbridge. From what she had seen in the Batrachian Bitch's mind, not only was Umbridge unqualified to teach the position, she intended to actively sabotage it. Hermione put in the argument that Umbridge would be sabotaging future Aurors this way, a logic Fudge could not refute if he had it implanted in his skull.

As tempting as it was to make the Minister drop the hearing against Harry and try to exonerate Sirius, they thought that if Fudge changed his mind like that all of a sudden, those around him would get suspicious. Though Hermione decided to leave another compulsion that made him fart copiously in the presence of younger women, particularly Muggleborns and Halfbloods. Anyway, Croaker's plan was a good one.

"So, what now?" Harry asked.

Luna smirked. "I think we'll head to Hogwarts next for some reconnaissance. And some fun time. We'll drop by the Rookery first: I've got some Gillyweed there, and I want to test it in the Prefect Bathroom."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other. "We've created a monster, haven't we?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, but we love her anyway, don't we? She's _our_ monster."

"Yes, we do."

Luna grinned, and embraced them both, drawing them in via their waists, and taking the opportunity to grope their rears. "Awww, group hugs are nice, aren't they?" she asked. "I love you both. Love, larceny, lust, laughter, loyalty, and Luna Lovegood: the vital ingredients of any relationship."

While they did dispute the list a little, Harry and Hermione couldn't disagree with the sentiment. Harry was the brawn (so to speak: he preferred to say bravery), Hermione was the brains, and Luna was that little spark of _je ne sais quoi_ that kept things interesting. Well, not a LITTLE spark. They were bound together tighter than many others in friendship. A loyalty, given that the three of them were, in their own way, outsiders in this world.

Of course, tonight was the night when the outsiders had begun to strike back in earnest…

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Well, there you go. The Lunar Harmony trio have stuck it sideways to Fudge and Umbridge, and Harry has learned a bit more about his ancestor.**

 **Luna's list in her last line is a slight reference to** ** _Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!_** **by Rorschach's Blot. I hadn't read it beyond a couple of chapters before people started making comparisons, so this is my wee nod to that.**

 **Before I go onto the reviews, I'd like to give a major shout-out again to DMentor (with a period between the D and Mentor). They've just reviewed this story, and I'm gratified to have one of those responsible for inspiring a few of the moments in this story (apart from DZ2, obviously, whose challenge inspired this in the first place) actually enjoy it. Thanks a bunch, DMentor! If you guys haven't read** ** _Tempest of the Fae_** **already, and want to read a good Lunar Harmony time travel fic, then go for it.**

 **Review-answering time! A lot of you guys pointed out a mistake about the Basilisk that I later corrected. Gah!**

 **tacitblue1973** **: I actually think the fanon names of the Grangers is fine, but I do agree about that whole thing about Algernon being Croaker. It doesn't preclude Algernon being an Unspeakable, though…**

 **Perceval23** **: I presume you mean Remus Lupin.**

 **DZ2** **: Luna has a very flexible family tree, given that we don't know her mother's maiden name, and given the weird stuff she talks about, it's rife with opportunity to bring in crossover characters and elements in crossovers. In most of my Nasuverse crossovers with the Potterverse, Luna is an honorary granddaughter of Zelretch, and considers the Brunesteds to be sisters of hers. She's fun to expand on, and even more fun to write dialogue for.**

 **Animaniac2004** **: Because it was TOO obvious. Anyway, Silently Watches pretty much did that with** ** _Faery Heroes_** **.**

 **1\. Why did I refer to Stephen King? King once considered Umbridge to be one of the greatest villains since Hannibal Lecter, and while I dispute that, I thought I'd make a nod to that here. Stephen King, incidentally, is my favourite horror novelist: I'm not generally a horror fan, but I love his horror novels, as well as his other novels, like** ** _The Green Mile_** **, and the Dark Tower series.**

 **2\. Tourette's Syndrome has the stereotype of people compulsively swearing, but this is actually only a symptom in a relatively small percentage of sufferers. The symptom of compulsive swearing is called 'coprolalia'. It's a fun word.**


	8. Chapter 7: A Deal with the Devil

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL**

Croaker chuckled softly to himself as he made his way through the Ministry the next morning, relatively speaking. Potter and his little crew had not just stirred up the ant's nest, but had kicked it. Fudge and Umbridge were both on the warpath, though Croaker didn't know what had angered them more: the theft of their valuables, or the Ekrizdis Charm Umbridge had kept in her office. The latter, anyway, had Umbridge contacting the Department of Mysteries, demanding a replacement be created.

Croaker opted to ask Fudge and Umbridge for a meeting when he was contacted. He had discussed with Harry, Hermione and Luna some of the things he could discuss with Fudge as part of this deal. They had decided that, if they could set Fudge and Umbridge on Dumbledore alone, and have them leave Harry Potter alone, relatively speaking, it meant that they would be focusing on Dumbledore. Harry had reluctantly agreed, and they had discussed a few things the boy had clearly kept mostly to himself.

As he entered Umbridge's office, he heard her screeching, "…Get something done about it, Amelia, or you will regret it!"

"Undersecretary or not, Dolores, I will not be ordered around like a House Elf. The burglaries will be investigated with the effort due," the voice of Amelia Bones said, before she emerged from the office. The stern, monocle-wearing woman nodded to Croaker, who smiled. He had woken her while he was still in the Shadow Demesne, and had spoken to her about his encounter with Harry, Hermione, and Luna. She wanted to set up a meeting with them later. "Saul."

"Amelia," Croaker acknowledged.

As Bones left, Umbridge saw Croaker waiting. "Well, come in, Croaker!" she snapped, a little irritably.

As he followed her in, she muttered, "Damned thief…if I ever got my hands on them…" She calmed herself with a visible effort, before she turned to face Croaker with her usual, saccharine sweet attitude. "Now, Croaker, you asked to see me?"

"And the Minister."

"The Minister is rather busy."

Croaker's eyes narrowed. "I asked for both of you to be present, as it is a matter that concerns you both."

"Whatever you wish to say to the Minister, you can say to me."

"I wished to speak to you both on a matter of importance. Namely, one Harry Potter." As Umbridge scowled, Croaker said, "I will be blunt. I want you to drop the hearing against him. He is a person of considerable importance to the Department of Mysteries."

"Out of the question," Umbridge said curtly.

"No. Not out of the question. And before you go on a self-righteous rant that you are not entitled to give, Senior Undersecretary, I will tell you things that will have you agreeing with me. I have been in correspondence with Harry Potter for some time, since I saw him at the Quidditch World Cup. And he has become somewhat…dissatisfied with Dumbledore."

This got Umbridge's attention. Silkily, she said, "Continue."

"You and the Minister do not believe that You Know Who is back. One thing that I do agree with as far as Dumbledore and Potter are concerned is that You Know Who may have been resurrected, or else that a false resurrection has been staged by former Death Eaters, with a figurehead posing as their leader, which is still dangerous enough. And as an Unspeakable, I know of many vile rituals that could have been used by You Know Who to secure his immortality. The reason why I bring this up is that there have been multiple incidents at Hogwarts, the majority involving You Know Who in one form or another, that Potter has been involved in. Incidents that paint Dumbledore in a bad light, and incidents that Potter had to clean up, in spite of his youth."

Umbridge's eyes narrowed, but he could tell that she was hooked. While she was obviously unhappy at not being able to target Harry, targeting Dumbledore was another matter. She was considering the matter. "And what are these incidents?" she asked.

"In first year, Dumbledore got it into his head that he needed to lure You Know Who or one of his supporters to Hogwarts, and placed Nicholas Flamel's Philosopher Stone at Hogwarts. Apparently Professor Quirrell had allowed You Know Who, then a wraith, to possess him."

"Dumbledore claimed Quirrell was killed in an accident," Umbridge said, looking unusually pensive. "And I do seem to recall that, shortly before that school year, Gringotts was broken into. Those greedy little Goblins wouldn't say what, but I heard a rumour that that was Flamel's vault. Hmm. As preposterous as this story is…well, it seems interesting. What about the Chamber of Secrets fiasco the next year?"

"An artifact of You Know Who's ended up taking control of one of the students, unleashing a Basilisk on the school. Dumbledore should have made a more concerted effort to finding it. Not only that, but he hired Gilderoy Lockhart, who, according to Potter, was a fraud. A fraud who used Memory Charms to take the tales of more worthy hunters of Dark creatures and add them to his own reputation. It was during an attempt to Obliviate a student with a faulty wand that he ended up in St Mungo's. Third year had little to do with You Know Who, instead being the year when Sirius Black escaped Azkaban, so Dumbledore's decisions here concern us little…"

" _Hem, hem_. He hired Remus Lupin, a known werewolf," Umbridge pointed out.

"And who has been the best DADA teacher at Hogwarts for some years," Croaker said. "His condition was exposed out of spite by Professor Snape, who, incidentally, is a Death Eater who only escaped Azkaban on Dumbledore's say-so. Not only that, but Lupin was beholden to Dumbledore for allowing him to attend Hogwarts in spite of his lycanthropy. Are you seeing a pattern emerge? Dumbledore holds these people to him in chains of obligation. Snape owes him for keeping him out of prison, Lupin for allowing him to attend Hogwarts, and Potter, he has cultivated a grandfatherly image towards, one Potter has seen through. Dumbledore has been keeping Potter in the dark about a number of things, and with the recent Dementor attack on his home, he doesn't feel safe anymore under Dumbledore's aegis. Which was why I made him an offer, discreetly."

Umbridge raised an eyebrow. "What sort of offer?"

"That he would be, along with a couple of his academically-inclined friends, recruited into the Unspeakables," Croaker said. "They would be brought under my aegis. And while they still intend to go to Hogwarts to finish their schooling, they are no longer part of Dumbledore's faction. Potter is more concerned with the safety of his friends than any plans Dumbledore has for him."

Croaker could all but see the gears turning in Umbridge's head. She may be blinkered, stubborn, and vicious, but she was far from stupid. And despite their dispute over funding, Umbridge knew that if Croaker was offering something like this…the woman was greedy for any leverage on Dumbledore, and she could be subtle when she put her mind to it. "And the Tri-Wizard Tournament…" she mused. "I spoke to Weasley, the one working for us, and he said that Dumbledore insisted on Potter competing, as did Crouch. The latter was under the Imperius, but the former…even when chosen by the Goblet, there should have been loopholes…"

"Indeed. Potter's magical guardian could have taken him out of the Tournament, given that he was underage. And as Sirius Black was imprisoned in Azkaban, without trial or any attempt to use Veritaserum I should add, that responsibility fell to Dumbledore…who didn't. In the process, Potter was ostracised by much of the school for apparently cheating his way into the Tournament, when in fact, he had been placed in it by Barty Crouch Junior, in disguise. I suppose it is possible that Junior managed to imitate Mad-Eye Moody well enough to fool Dumbledore, as he was able to fool people into believing he wasn't a Death Eater up until he was caught with the Lestrange, but given what we know so far…"

"It doesn't paint Dumbledore in a good light," Umbridge murmured. After a moment, she said, "I'll get back to you in half an hour, Croaker. I think you'll have made our day. Merlin knows we need it." She then walked into the Minister's office, her sickly sweet voice saying just as the door closed, "Minister…Croaker's told me something interesting…"

* * *

Harry and his partners in crime were holding a meeting in his trunk. Not just Hermione and Luna, but Sirius, the Twins, and, after careful consideration, both Remus and Tonks, after they had taken vows not to reveal anything. Both had good enough Occlumency to risk it, and Hermione could protect the knowledge in their minds anyway.

Tonks was boggling at them. "You guys…are Shadow-Walkers. And Bones knows about it. Wow. I mean…wow. I mean, the Ministry is in an uproar…well, Fudge and Umbridge are, and…wow. And you guys blew up Snape's house. Greasy-haired prick had it coming."

"But not before looting the place for everything he had," Fred said, crying mock tears in admiration.

"Truly deities of pranks are walking amongst us, Gred," George said, mirroring the tears of admiration.

"There's a difference between pranks and larceny," Remus snapped. Then, his face softened. "Not that Severus didn't have it coming. Or Fudge or the Umbitch."

"So you're with us?" Harry asked.

Tonks shrugged. "If Madam Bones is okay with it, so am I. Have to admit, Dumbledore does have quite a bit to answer for. Leaving you with those Muggles…it's a good thing you have this trunk. Don't get me wrong, Dumbledore's probably our best chance at beating…Voldemort. But we can't trust him anymore, especially not with this prophecy crap. We knew there was a prophecy, but not what it said."

Remus looked forlorn. After all, he had just learned about a man he respected turning out to be a rather Machiavellian man who didn't care about who he hurt in order to achieve victory. Then again, he had seen the evidence at the Dursleys'. Torn between two loyalties, he made the decision then and there. "I agree with Tonks. Dumbledore's our best chance of stopping Voldemort…but I'm not sure we can trust him either. Especially as he left that Horcrux thing in you without trying to find a way to remove it."

"He's setting up Harry as a sacrificial lamb," Luna said. "Dumbledore likes being at the top of the tree. He's just more subtle about it than Grindlewald or Voldemort. He cultivates chains of obligation." She pointed at Remus. "He allowed you to attend Hogwarts despite your lycanthropy." She pointed at Sirius. "He had us help you escape, but didn't try to give you a retrial." She pointed at herself, and then at Harry and Hermione. "He sets himself up as a grandfatherly figure, and a mentor, especially to Harry. Dumbledore wasn't always a bad man, and even with what he did, he could still be a good man, but flawed. But we know the truth. In this timestream, at least, he's not a good man."

"This timestream?" Tonks asked.

"She can see sideways in time and space," Hermione said. "It's nothing to do with her Shadow-Walking. She can't see the future, just other nows."

"Lucky other Lunas, having Seer powers," Luna said with a pout. "Anyway, the point is, Bones has given us carte blanche to basically cripple the Death Eaters, as well as those holding back Magical Britain. Dumbledore, Voldemort, Fudge…unofficially, we've been seconded by the Department of Mysteries. For once, the rampant nepotism in the Ministry worked in our favour, thanks to Uncle Saul."

"Wow, so you three are now Unspeakables?" Fred asked.

"And all three are in a relationship too," George said.

"Truly Harry is a god amongst men!" they chorused, Harry groaning, and Hermione was flushing in embarrassment.

"Prongs must be rolling in his grave, knowing his son's had a threesome, burned down Snape's home, got recruited by the Unspeakables, and robbed the Minister and the Umbitch blind," Sirius smirked, crying theatrical tears of joy. "I've got the feeling that he would declare that the crowning achievement of any Marauder, even while seething with envy!"

"Please stop," Harry and Hermione moaned simultaneously, Luna looking singularly unembarrassed by comparison. In fact, she looked disturbingly pleased.

"Why not? I'm celebrating the achievements that you did make yourself!" Sirius said, in mock indignation.

"Look, can we wait until after we've finished off Voldemort and dealt with the other idiots?" Harry asked. "Then, you can hold the embarrassing party you seem to want."

Luna pouted. "You're no fun."

"Took the words out of my mouth, Luna," Sirius said.

"We'd better get out of here soon," Remus said. "The Order might start getting suspicious with just us in here. Harry, Hermione, Luna…I know you have great power, but be careful. I don't want to see three of my favourite students, one of whom's the son of one of my oldest friends, get careless and die. The Shadow-Walkers have a death sentence over them in perpetuity, and even Croaker and Bones may not be able to help if something goes wrong. And outside of the Shadow Demesne, you are vulnerable. So take care."

"We'll try," Harry said. He had no intention of getting caught at all. Not when so much was at stake. He hoped that Croaker's idea of relaying the incidents at Hogwarts would work. Otherwise, things might get more problematic…

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, there you have it. Croaker's setting Umbridge and Fudge on Dumbledore. Now, Harry was persuaded to divulge this because Croaker and Luna want to basically pull a** ** _Yojimbo/A Fistful of Dollars_** **scenario: basically, set Umbridge on Dumbledore to distract the old goat, while screwing her over. Harry's agreed, but they still need to deal with Voldemort.**

 **EDIT: Someone pointed out an embarrassing continuity error involving how Lockhart got amnesia. I've altered it to be a bit more vague, to suggest a cover story. GAH!**

 **Review-answering time!** **PikaMew1288** **: I don't think that would work, as that's a complete 180 from what they usually think.**

 **BlazeStryker** **: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Elizabeth ended up either loving or hating alternate versions of herself.**

 **No numbered annotations this time.**


	9. Chapter 8: Politics and Power

**CHAPTER 8:**

 **POLITICS AND POWER**

Croaker had brought Bones into the Shadow Demesne to talk, taking her into his office. "So, am I to assume that we have Potter, Granger and Lovegood to thank for last night?" Bones asked as she sat down.

"Of course."

"And the fact that Umbridge swore profusely a couple of times when I was there for no readily apparent reason?" Bones asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Granger has the Shadow Gift of Mind. While she could have tinkered with Umbridge's mind more, she wanted to give my offer a chance first. As it is, Umbridge and Fudge have taken the bait. They're marshalling their attention on Dumbledore, while we can start bringing our attention to bear on Voldemort."

"So Potter did witness his resurrection?" Bones' tone was filled with a resigned dread. She knew what the answer was going to be, she just hoped it wasn't going to be the case.

Unfortunately, Croaker had to shatter her illusions. "Yes. They have also confirmed, more or less, that Voldemort has used a type of soul container called a Horcrux, and multiple ones at that. They have already destroyed a number of them, including one in Potter's infamous scar."

Bones winced. "Merlin, a soul container in Harry Potter's scar. Imagine how quickly the people would have turned on him had they known that. It was bad enough last year when his name came out of the Goblet of Fire, not to mention Rita Skeeter's yellow journalism. And Susan told me he learned he was a Parselmouth during that Chamber of Secrets fiasco, and how much of Hogwarts turned on him because of that."

"It's not all bad. I managed to persuade them to give me the next Horcrux they find, in order to use a ritual I found. If we're lucky, the ritual will find the remaining ones, as well as Voldemort himself. Potter also came to destroy the prophecy around him."

"So, they accepted your offer?"

"Well, it was far from an onerous one, and they have been supporting you covertly through financing. Working as Unspeakables, and unofficially for us, helps matters. Especially as we are ridding the world of Voldemort. And removing Fudge and Dumbledore. Incidentally, who are you considering bringing in as a candidate for Minister?"

"I know you are voting for me, which, while flattering, I think I would do more good in the DMLE than as Minister. Plus, if it gets out that I aided and abetted a trio of Shadow-Walkers in their crimes, I'd be thrown in Azkaban, or else given the Kiss along with those three, and you as well. Scrimgeour's a no-go, he would make a better wartime Minister, but not for peacetime, which it will be when Voldemort is put down. I would personally put down either Augusta Longbottom or Cyrus Greengrass."

Croaker considered the choices. Longbottom was a right battle axe at times, but she was also a shrewd politician and a force to be reckoned with. Greengrass was more circumspect, but despite being a Slytherin, he was noted for eschewing the Blood Purity doctrine. Oh, he wasn't particularly fond of Muggleborns, but he didn't hate or disdain them either. "What about Arthur Weasley?" he asked, more to throw the name out and see Bones' opinion.

"He's more controversial because of his pro-Muggle stance, or rather, because he angered a lot of families doing so. Standing up for Muggles and Muggleborns is the right thing to do, but Arthur is seen as a joke in much of the Ministry, and given his so-called knowledge of Muggle items, it's little wonder. Perversely, I think I would make a better head of his department than he would. Misuse of Muggle Artifacts…he's good at what he does, in ensuring the safety of others from enchanted items, but he doesn't do enough research from the Muggle side of things. Arthur is a good man where he is, and he certainly should be paid more than the pittance he gets for good work, but I don't think he'd make a good Minister."

"Cresswell?"

"You mean from the Goblin Liaison Office? Hmm, well, being a Muggleborn might cause some problems, but he's certainly good at negotiating with obstreperous stubborn types like the Goblins. And he's a cannier politician than he looks. But he's a bit too young for the responsibility of being a Minister. I was also thinking of Amber Baum. You know, Crouch's replacement. The Muggleborn(1)."

"She's another possibility," Croaker mused. "So, Longbottom, Greengrass, Cresswell, Baum, or yourself. At the very least, we need these people on the same page, and even if he wouldn't make a good Minister, Arthur would still be a good ally."

"And with the Death Eaters less able to throw money around to influence votes…" Bones murmured.

"Exactly. Those three intend to take on Gringotts, and particularly relieve the Death Eaters of their funds. Even the various spells and curses the Goblins are so proud of does nothing in the Shadow-Demesne, and they're smart enough to remove any enchantments on the items. I'm sure the Goblins will suspect a Shadow-Walker is involved: they have pretty long memories where thieves are concerned. But they can't prove it, and for all their amorality and neutrality, I'm sure they would love to see some of the Purebloods get taken down a peg or two, even as they hate the thieves who thumbed their nose at them."

"Potter and the others don't use Gringotts to invest their money, do they?" Bones asked.

"They're not stupid. They keep it in storage in their trunks, as well as those donations to both your department and St Mungo's. I think they're looking to invest it elsewhere. You know how the Goblins feel about thieves in general. Which is a bit hypocritical, given that there've been more than a few black marketeers and mob bosses amongst them. Like Gnarlack. Old Newt once told me of what happened during that brouhaha involving that Obscurius and Grindlewald."

"That aside, do you think Umbridge and Fudge will focus less on Potter and more on Dumbledore?"

"As much as Umbridge hates me, and Potter, she hates Dumbledore most of all, and I simply made him a more enticing target. And as she is one of those who holds the ear of the Minister, along with Malfoy…"

"There's a problem," Bones pointed out. "Dumbledore is the only person Voldemort feared, even if he would never admit it. If we can't deal with Voldemort quickly enough, and Dumbledore loses his power…"

"The ritual was just my idea. Harry and the others were going to deal with the Horcruxes systematically anyway, seek them out and destroy them. The ritual should just make things easier."

"Better that this gets done sooner rather than later," Bones said, her lips pressed together pensively. "I want my niece, not to mention so many other children, to grow up in a world where, at the very least, they don't have to fear the rise of someone like Voldemort anymore."

"Sadly, Dark Lords and other human dictators rise as inevitably as entropy increasing," Croaker remarked. "But Voldemort is certainly one of the most tenacious. Another concern is Dumbledore. The old man got showered with so many plaudits and titles, he's now believes his own myth. Whoever had the bright idea of giving him the offices of Supreme Mugwump of the ICW and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamout ought to be shoved through the Veil if they're not dead already. He could handle maybe two offices at most if I was being generous, and as Chief Warlock, there's considerable potential for conflict of interest in both his roles at Hogwarts and the ICW. Fudge intending to strip him of the Chief Warlock and Supreme Mugwump positions was probably one of his brightest ideas, though I sense Malfoy's hand in this."

"I agree, but we can't target Malfoy or his ilk," Bones said. "If I tried, Fudge would have a hissy fit, followed by my job. That's part of the reason why I'm willing to allow those three to do their thing. I don't like having to make a choice between two different sets of criminals, but between those trying to clean up society as they commit crimes, and those who just want to take us over…I just hope they're careful when they hit Gringotts. The Goblins are going to be up in arms when they discover what happened."

Croaker nodded. "They will. For all their youth, they are not fools, even if two of them are Gryffindors."

"AKA the House that rushes in where angels fear to tread," Bones remarked with a smirk. "Let's hope you are right, Saul, for all our sakes…"

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was troubled. Not by pangs of conscience, though he had considerable cause to be, should he actually bother listening to said conscience. No, it was recent events that had given him cause to be troubled.

The first was a series of events that, while seemingly unconnected, had befallen a number of people. Severus had forgotten a volatile potion, and his house was now a burnt-out shell, with the obstreperous Potions Master now needing to lodge at Hogwarts (Sirius refusing to entertain the possibility of Severus lodging at 12 Grimmauld Place) until he found another place to live. In addition, Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge had been robbed both at home and at work by thieves coordinating their raids on the Ministry and their homes.

The second was that Kingsley Shacklebolt had reported that word on the Ministry grapevine was that Umbridge was apparently in talks with Fudge to call off the hearing against Harry. This happened not long after she received a visit from Saul Croaker. And if those two were related, Dumbledore had to wonder, what was Croaker's interest in Harry? Had Croaker discussed the prophecy with Umbridge? Or was there another reason for the Unspeakables interfering? Dumbledore couldn't help but be suspicious, especially when there was any danger of Harry Potter escaping his control.

The third thing was indeed signs of the boy doing that very thing. The boy had become wilful and moody, even defiant. While understandable to a degree, the boy became withdrawn, keeping only a few people in his confidence. He was distancing himself from the Weasley family, which simply would not do. About the only consolation was that, after an initial spat, he stayed reasonably close to Hermione, and the girl would at least keep him on an even keel. Such a wonderful girl, so deferential to authority, not like that spitfire Lily Evans became.

Dumbledore wasn't worried about the boy going Dark, despite the boy's apathy towards his guardians' fate. Rather, it was Harry going outside of his control. Harry was a weapon, shaped into being a martyr. And if he survived the battle with Voldemort, then Dumbledore could use him as his mascot, as a golden boy who was to be an icon to the Light, and as a protégé, to fill him with his ideology, to keep Magical Britain the way it should be.

If he did die, then he could fulfil the same role as a martyr, as a symbol. Either way was fine. Dumbledore merely kept making sure Harry would survive, and perhaps even survive his final battle with Voldemort, so that he could stage-manage the boy's life.

Though that was looking to become difficult. He deliberately kept Harry in the dark because he needed to control the information going to Harry. The loss of the Dursleys and thus any justification for Harry staying at Little Whinging was annoying, as they had done such wonderful work of shaping Harry's psyche, but Dumbledore thought he could work something out. He had another year at least, though he needed to ensure the increasingly-insolent and independent Sirius Black didn't get his grubby paws on Harry.

Dumbledore was, at heart, a control freak. That was what his lover Grindlewald had recognised, though Grindlewald hadn't realised that there were more subtle ways of achieving the Greater Good. One didn't need to seize power, one merely had to set one's self up in such a way that people gave you the power voluntarily.

While he didn't go out of his way to force events to occur, Dumbledore was a master opportunist. When Trelawney made that prophecy, and Snape happened to overhear it, Dumbledore hadn't meant for that to happen, but he took advantage of it. He made plans for what would happen next, and utilised them. He didn't know that Sirius had switched with Pettigrew as Secret Keeper, but he took full advantage of the ignorance of the rest of Magical Britain. Unfortunately, the damned mongrel had escaped Azkaban, and he only allowed Sirius to escape custody in the end because he wanted Sirius indebted to Dumbledore.

Harry too owed Dumbledore debts, albeit debts of Dumbledore's own engineering. And yet, the boy was beginning to forget those debts, rebelling. Not truly openly, but he was showing a disobedient streak that was worrisome. Not so worrying as to warrant bringing him under control with, say, a potion, but enough to want to keep an eye on the boy. Especially as he seemed to prefer sleeping within a magical trunk. The boy was hiding something, and Dumbledore wanted to make sure that Harry remembered his place, which meant that he revealed his secrets to Dumbledore…even if Dumbledore kept secrets from Harry.

It was, after all, for the Greater Good.

 **CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, some discussion between Croaker and Bones about things, and Dumbledore being a megalomaniac. The next chapter, hopefully, will concentrate on the raid on Gringotts. We need to get back to the Lunar Harmony, goddammit!**

 **Incidentally, if you want some more Harry being on the wrong side of the law stories, why not try my new** ** _Black Lagoon_** **crossovers? While featuring the same pairing (Harry/Sawyer), they have somewhat different flavours, with** ** _Disquiet_** **being my first published foray into WBWL territory, and** ** _Quoth the Raven_** **… having Harry become a raven Animagus.**

 **Review-answering time!** **raw666** **: Hmm…unfortunately, I'm not sure how Harry, Hermione and Luna could do that…unless Hermione planted suggestions in their minds that someone had stolen from them. Hmm…**

 **1\. Amber Baum was an OC I created for my story (and sequel to my Flurry story** ** _In Spite of Obstinate Men_** **)** ** _In Spite of Appearances_** **. She was a Muggleborn successor to Crouch, and while she shared his drive and no-nonsense attitude, she was considerably more humane.**


	10. Chapter 9: The Great Gringotts Caper

**CHAPTER 9:**

 **THE GREAT GRINGOTTS CAPER**

There are many misconceptions about Gringotts and its administrators, the Goblins, but there are a couple that spring most immediately to mind. The first is that the wizards think that they are in control, and that they magnanimously gave control over their finances to the Goblins. In truth, the Goblins have Magical Britain by the economic testicles, and while they had been defeated in outright warfare before, a humiliating thing for the belligerent species of magical being, the Goblins soon learned that financial warfare was a more subtle, potent weapon.

The second was that Gringotts was the safest place in all of Magical Britain to store currency, valuables and goods, but that was bollocks too. Leaving aside the Shadow-Walkers and their abilities, more than a few thieves made their way into the vaults, and a few even managed to escape with their loot. Few of the unsuccessful attempts and none of the successful attempts ever made the _Prophet_ , or at least were vehemently denied by the Goblins. The main reason why the near-theft of the Philosopher's Stone even made headlines was because the Goblins wanted to scare the crap out of Nicholas Flamel, who had been something of a thorn in their sides, even after he agreed not to produce anything more than a set amount of gold with his Stone.

The truth was, the Goblins were every bit as arrogant as the humans they so disparaged, and they had thought that the Shadow-Walkers were long gone. Oh, they were wary of a re-emergence, but they believed that the line had been rendered all but extinct, with no surviving Shadow-Walker willing to risk the wrath of Gringotts. Even if the Goblins, despite centuries of trying, could not come up with a countermeasure. That the earlier Shadow-Walkers had been wiped out spoke more to the earlier Shadow-Walkers' arrogance and belief in their own invincibility than any weakness in their powers.

Which was why, when they made it into the Lestrange vault, Harry, Hermione and Luna, while cautious, were far from afraid. They had decided, after considerable planning within the Shadow Demesne, to cover up their theft, at least to delay any investigation by Gringotts by years at least, somewhat like they did at Snape's house. Through the Black family library, they found a special spell used by the Black family against their enemies, a form of boobytrap they used on their treasures. Thanks to Bellatrix and Regulus, the Death Eaters had plundered some of the best artifacts and tomes from the Black family, albeit with the connivance of Walburga. And to their delight, many of the Death Eaters kept those artifacts still in the vaults.

In addition, they could actually plant some of the artifacts Sirius didn't want in 12 Grimmauld Place anymore in the vaults that didn't have them, and have them booby-trapped the same way. What was more, the Goblins were apparently aware of this boobytrap. And it could be triggered remotely and simultaneously by the head of the family…though the boobytrap was also notoriously unstable. Much like many members of the Black family.

What said boobytrap did was use a form of Fiendfyre on the artifact it was attached to, along with everything within a certain radius, and rendered them cursed for years afterwards, a bit like a magical nuclear explosion in miniature. It was meant as a measure _in extremis_ , and was apparently potentially unstable. But it meant plenty of scorch marks, glassed walls and ashes could be left behind, and for all their suspicion and paranoia, Goblins could be every bit as credulous as wizards. Plus, the curses were sufficiently nasty that even the much-vaunted Cursebreakers of Gringotts wouldn't go anywhere near them.

The trio wouldn't go as far as to say it was the perfect crime. In truth, they were kicking a veritable ant's nest. But they had planned for many contingencies. Not all of them, true, but the odds were low that the Goblins could prove that theft took place, enough to goad the Ministry into action, anyway, let alone figure out who took the money and valuables. They could suspect, but not enough to warrant any action on their own, let alone bringing the Ministry into it. They hoped.

Even so, their heist wasn't without hiccups…

* * *

Harry stared flatly at the box Luna had unearthed within the Rookwood vault. Or, more to the point, the things she was taking out of it. "How the hell could you even use that?" he said, tilting his head in confusion.

"Well, you strap that end here, and then you put the other end into…"

"Too much information, Luna, we've been over this," Hermione said hurriedly. "And no, we're not taking Rookwood's collection of esoteric sex toys to use for ourselves."

"Quite right too," Luna said. "We don't know where it's been. Well, I know where it normally goes, but we don't know what sort of diseases they had. We'll let this stuff get disintegrated in the fiery inferno of the boobytrap. Which sounds like some sort of sex toy too. You know, the hardcore BDSM stuff. Boobytrap! Kinky fun for adults!"

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation at Luna's utterances of her thought processes. Luna, bless her, was way too young to blithely speak about such things. Then again, she was of the opinion that she should learn any knowledge, no matter how grotesque it was. " _It's my solemn duty as a Ravenclaw!_ " she once bragged. Hermione had a similar desire for learning, but she had more brakes on her thirst for knowledge, astonishing as it might sound to anyone who actually knew the bushy-haired bookworm.

"We're going to have to store a lot of the artifacts for a long time," Hermione mused. "And we can't donate the haul we get to the DMLE and to St Mungo's yet. That much money going in just after Gringotts gets robbed is going to raise all sorts of red flags. If we're lucky, we may just be able to wait out the statute of limitations period."

"Sorry, what?" Harry asked. He'd heard about storing the haul from Hermione earlier, but he didn't know about this.

"Okay," Hermione said. "In law, there is a period of time after which you can't be prosecuted for most crimes. This doesn't count the worst crimes like, say, murder or rape. It varies depending on the crime and the country. For example, in 1950, a group of robbers robbed a Brink's building in Boston, stealing nearly $3 million dollars. They agreed not to touch the money for six years, because that's when the statute of limitations would run out. Unfortunately, it went pear-shaped when one of those involved thought that he had been bilked out of his share. Long story short, he tried forcing more money out of his partners in crime, they tried to have him killed, and he then spilled the beans to the FBI. And the others were arrested five days before the statute of limitations was about to run out(1)."

"So…how long do we have to wait until we can spend it?"

"Well, the gold should be fine in dribs and drabs. The Goblins may sneer at banknotes with serial codes, but magical coinage is hard to track. They rely on curses on the vaults to prevent people from stealing them in the first place out of overconfidence, and we're dealing with those very handily. But the majority needs to remain in storage until the statute runs out. Seven years. We've got more than enough resources to work with, anyway," Hermione said.

"By that point, we'll have graduated Hogwarts," Harry said. "We can just fuck off into reclusion. Assuming we don't drop out after this year. Between Fudge, Dumbledore and Voldemort, I'm seriously considering cutting ties with Magical Britain anyway. We just take our friends and families, and get out of here."

"My parents always wanted to go to Australia," Hermione mused.

"We just need to watch out for Bunyips, Yowies, and Dropbears," Luna said.

"Luna, Dropbears are just Aussies trying to scare you about mythological predatory koalas so that they can sell more Vegemite to smear on you as a preventative measure," Hermione explained patiently.

Luna just shot her a knowing smile. "Who said they were _koalas?_ "

"Ignore her," Harry said. "We've got work to do. We've got another few more vaults to raid…"

* * *

The rest of the heist went fairly well. In fact, the most troublesome things were the cursed items that the Death Eaters kept leaving…as well as a few lewd items Luna couldn't resist commenting upon, apparently with the intent of scarring her fellow thieves mentally. The trio couldn't help but drool at the sheer amount of loot they had accumulated. A shame they had to hold onto it and keep it hidden for some time to allow the statute of limitations to run out, but hey, they'd been thieving from enough people that they could live off their loot for the rest of their lives without having to touch this stuff.

They were tempted to not stop at the vaults, but to go throughout the bank itself, and do things to the Goblins walking its halls or sleeping in quarters, even at this time of night. Unfortunately, that might tip their hand, though Luna did steal some office supplies. Apparently even Goblins, despite their attitude towards theft, had a somewhat looser attitude towards the stealing of stationary. At least amongst themselves: any humans caught doing so would be lucky to not lose an appendage. If a few notebooks or quills or the occasional issue of _Playgoblin_ went missing (Harry looked askance at Luna for that one, but she claimed that the articles were interesting), well, that was more annoying than concerning.

"You know," Hermione said when they got back to their trunk hideout, looking at the pile of treasure (and the much smaller pile of office supplies), "I call that a good night's work."

"Screwing over Death Eaters is always a good night's work," Harry said. "Screwing over the Goblins, who would try to kill us if they knew what we are, is just a nice bonus."

"And they kept charging exorbitant fees for my parents to convert pounds into Galleons," Hermione scowled. "It's as bad as some Muggle banks if not worse."

"We'll hit those up later," Harry said, patting his bushy-haired lover on the shoulder. "I'd prefer to target fraudsters, criminals, and the worst corporate scumbags. Though a lot of those would be in the US, right?"

"Well, that's our post-Hogwarts life decided on," Luna said with a smile. "Rob the rich, and give to the more deserving. After taking a cut, anyway. And making sure I have enough coins and jewels to fill a swimming pool! Which I will go swimming in!"

"Luna, you're not Scrooge McDuck with his Money Bin," Hermione explained wearily. "You can't just dive into coins and jewels like it's a swimming pool, you'd injure yourself."

"Oh, Hermione, you just don't know how to get creative with certain spells," Luna smirked. "I wonder if Carl Barks was a wizard? Anyway, my point is is that we will have at least enough money and jewels to fill a small swimming pool, and we can then swim in it, once I research the proper enchantments." She shivered in anticipation, causing Harry and Hermione to back away ever-so-slightly.

"Sooo, what next?" Harry asked. "Can it not involve the bedroom? Not that I'm complaining about either of you, I just want a bit of variety."

"That's fine," Luna said blithely. "We have plenty of time after we graduate Hogwarts. So…pranks?"

After a moment, Harry and Hermione nodded their agreement. "Should we screw with Umbridge's head a little more?" Harry asked.

"I'm game," Hermione said.

"Hmm, tempting…actually, I'm more along the lines of Shadow-Walking to MACUSA and raising some havoc there. They were very rude to Daddy and me when we went over there once. They called my radish earrings banned contraband and claimed that Daddy had a prior conviction for inappropriate charms used on a Thunderbird." She pouted. "Daddy only used a Cheering Charm because it looked depressed, he doesn't have a thing for magical creatures…unless they're good-looking. Like a Mermaid."

Harry looked at her flatly, thinking back to the fugly Mermaids he saw during the Second Task. "Really?"

"Oh, not Freshwater Mermaids, Harry! Ocean Mermaids are actually sexy," Luna said. "Just need some Gillyweed, a trip to the Mediterranean, and the acceptance of the local tribes."

"…We'll have a raincheck on that, but pranking MACUSA sounds fun," Harry said.

"I agree," Hermione said with a huff. "Given their policies past and present…I'm in. Forbid wizards and witches from marrying Muggles, I ask you…"

"Okay!" Luna cheered. "Let's go! Onwards, minions of mayhem and mischief! We ride to glory!"

* * *

When the Goblins realised something was wrong, the three thieves' predictions of their reactions were pretty much spot-on. Their blinkered arrogance had led them to believe that nobody, not even Shadow-Walkers, would dare try to raid them. Instead, they cursed the Death Eaters and other Purebloods for their folly, believing the curses activated by accident. The only consolation the Goblins had was that Voldemort and his followers wouldn't have access to the money either.

By the time the dust had settled, the three Shadow-Walkers had finished their work for the night. However, they soon intended to target more of Magical Britain's malfeasants…

 **CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Hoo boy, it's been a while, hasn't it? I did more chapters for** ** _On the Delights of Drinking Blood_** **than this one. Oh well, that's the way inspiration goes, and I needed an idea to do the Gringotts heist. Keep in mind, the Goblins aren't going to find out. This story is about three VERY OP protagonists having fun sticking it sideways to Magical Britain. Nothing deeper than that. And it may be a while before the next chapter.**

 **You know, while reading up on Scrooge McDuck to find out who his creator was, I was actually surprised to discover that his latest voice actor, at least in the reboot of** ** _Ducktales_** **(which I had vaguely heard of), is** ** _David Tennant!_** **I did not see that one coming, and I have to say, listening to his performance, I actually liked it, despite some initial reservations (I like David Tennant, but I do not hear his voice and think 'Scrooge McDuck'). Plus, the new opening titles and the new version of that oh-so-catchy theme song is pretty damn good, to be blunt.**

 **Review-answering time!** **Fall2Glory** **: Oh, I dunno. There's some like the WBWL characters and the parents neglecting Harry in favour of the WBWL, there's Snape (even canon Snape is a contemptible little bastard), there's Bellatrix, there's Voldemort, there's many Weasleys in Weasley-bashing stories…plenty of characters that are reviled.**

 **MastrDragon** **: Sadly, DZ2 didn't continue it, and deleted it. They have a bad habit of doing so.**

 **DustBunnyQueen** **: There's actually a few. In redbayly's** ** _The Purge_** **, Harry is a descendent of infamous witch hunter Matthew Hopkins (I don't recommend that story to anyone with a weak stomach, as it has Harry and his minions graphically torturing Death Eaters and their accomplices). In at least one of sakurademonalchemist's stories,** ** _Golden Queen_** **, her female Harry is a descendent of Mordred, and thus King Arthur…though they may not be historical figures. And are based on the Nasuverse versions. Another (I think it was DZ2's own attempt to answer this story, so it may be deleted) had Harry descended from Jack the Ripper.**

 **As for your thanks regarding my distinguishing coprolalia from Tourette's Syndrome in general, you're welcome. I actually clarified that as well in the third chapter of my newly published** ** _Red vs Blue_** **crossover,** ** _Freelancer, Medic, Mage_** **, as I call that chapter 'Coprolalic Church', given that Church is notoriously foul-mouthed. While I'm not an expert on such conditions, I know enough to know the distinctions involved.**

 **1\. I remember reading about this infamous robbery years ago, masterminded (or at least conceived) by Joseph 'Big Joe' McGinnis. The man who gave up the rest of the gang was Joseph 'Specs' O'Keefe.**


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